Random thoughts and personal quandary

Sidney Madwed ~ Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.
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I've been sitting here sifting through the different blogs reading the entries and seeing the differing "realities" of individuals. Each of us within our own moment, our own perception, our own level of heaven, hell, or whatever plane we distinguish for our own. The truth is that my reality belongs to no-one else, nor do theirs belong to me. I can identify with some in their trials or accomplishments and yet still not completely be in sync with them for I've not the same experiences or current thoughts which traverse through their minds affecting their version of this reality. I was thinking about identical twins and the opportunity presented to them to be exactly alike and how difficult that would have to be unless they were also siamese twins forced to endure the same stimuli and experiences. Though I might be experiencing the same situation as another, what I bring to it, what I think regarding it, what I need from it will create a different perception and outcome.

I'm dealing with my own reality and at the moment it's slightly confused. I have at my advantage everything I could possibly need to make my reality what it should be and if I don't it's no-one's fault but my own. I've adequate intelligence, emotional and physical health, and capabilities to do anything I'd want and as well I'm self-sufficient and like myself well enough so there should be no confusion.

I've taken a step back into my comfort zone.......that place which only allows space for me.....and I'm taking a good look at my current reality and the ways I'd like that to alter as well as what has gotten me to this particular point. Though I could live quite well as a hermit......yes, I find that I actually could...... I like people, I prefer being around people, and I like what people bring into my life as well what I'm able to bring to theirs. My problem exists in that it's people who encouraged and enabled this necessity of self-sufficiency; this desire to seek solitude; and this current need to step back and take stock. I do, however, have certain desires in life which involve the presence of another so I've got to make room for that person, right?

My life is a culmination of all my experiences, thoughts, and desires since birth. They've shaped me into the person I am. Those in my current reality are subject to the person created with the help of others long since past. Those in my future will have the added burden of all those past and current. I am an ongoing, evolving individual and yet I never escape the person first molded years ago in the formative years. She comes back to trip me up occasionally or to aid me in my efforts; the action dependent on my set of mind more often than not.

I'm in a quandary which requires solitude, limited stimuli, stillness.....all so that I can get in touch with that entity within myself which propels me forward; that person from past and present I must listen to more so than anyone else. It would be so easy to lean on another, allow another to make my decisions for me but then the decisions would be theirs and not my own. It would be so easy to let immediate desire lead me but that could be fleeting and then what would I be left with? I thought I had the rest of my life mapped out; a comfortable picture of the way it would be and then I opened up to allow others in and in the process that map became redrawn. Am I comfortable with the new map? Is it a true picture for myself or did I draw it with others in prominence, putting their desires before my own, aiming to please others and in the process lose my own direction? It could very well be a correct depiction of the path I'm supposed to take; the one which would fulfill all my earthly wants and desires. How do I determine which it is? .......Thus the quandary. Thus the need for thought. Thus the need to get in touch with myself. There are people I dearly love and I feel I'd be doing them a disservice if I choose unwisely. And there we go back to others. I've never had a point in life where my decisions weren't based on someone else and I don't seek to eliminate them now but it would be simpler if I had only myself to consider. That would be selfish though. hmmm

One thing I've found.......and the reason for the quote above.......is that, in pondering this current reality, I was allowing myself to think negatively. I was pointing out to myself everything about myself which was less than perfect.......yes, there's a lot. I somehow and for some reason expect myself to be perfect. Whatever the situation, I find myself short on intelligence, looks, age, you name it and I've thought it. I caught myself doing this earlier and put a stop to it for I do believe the thoughts in my head are going to lead me. If I limit myself, then I'm limited in options for going forward. So what if I'm not perfect? If person or situation is unaccepting to me, there are many more opportunities to find my place. Right? So why create obstacles for myself when life will present enough for me? I'm now on the path to correct thinking and with that the decisions will come easier.........I hope.