Christmas In The Trenches

Christmas in the Trenches

(John McCutcheon)

My name is Francis Tolliver, I come from Liverpool.
Two years ago the war was waiting for me after school.
To Belgium and to Flanders, to Germany to here
I fought for King and country I love dear.
'Twas Christmas in the trenches, where the frost so bitter hung,
The frozen fields of France were still, no Christmas song was sung
Our families back in England were toasting us that day
Their brave and glorious lads so far away.

I was lying with my messmate on the cold and rocky ground
When across the lines of battle came a most peculiar sound
Says I, ``Now listen up, me boys!'' each soldier strained to hear
As one young German voice sang out so clear.
``He's singing bloody well, you know!'' my partner says to me
Soon, one by one, each German voice joined in harmony
The cannons rested silent, the gas clouds rolled no more
As Christmas brought us respite from the war
As soon as they were finished and a reverent pause was spent
``God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen'' struck up some lads from Kent
The next they sang was ``Stille Nacht.'' ``Tis `Silent Night','' says I
And in two tongues one song filled up that sky
``There's someone coming toward us!'' the front line sentry cried
All sights were fixed on one long figure trudging from their side
His truce flag, like a Christmas star, shown on that plain so bright
As he, bravely, strode unarmed into the night
Soon one by one on either side walked into No Man's Land
With neither gun nor bayonet we met there hand to hand
We shared some secret brandy and we wished each other well
And in a flare-lit soccer game we gave 'em hell
We traded chocolates, cigarettes, and photographs from home
These sons and fathers far away from families of their own
Young Sanders played his squeezebox and they had a violin
This curious and unlikely band of men

Soon daylight stole upon us and France was France once more
With sad farewells we each prepared to settle back to war
But the question haunted every heart that lived that wonderous night
``Whose family have I fixed within my sights?''
'Twas Christmas in the trenches where the frost, so bitter hung
The frozen fields of France were warmed as songs of peace were sung
For the walls they'd kept between us to exact the work of war
Had been crumbled and were gone forevermore

My name is Francis Tolliver, in Liverpool I dwell
Each Christmas come since World War I, I've learned its lessons well
That the ones who call the shots won't be among the dead and lame
And on each end of the rifle we're the same

This world we inhabit is perfectly balanced. From the lowest order to the highest, there is purpose. It is only the human species, the intelligent animal, which seems to be dissatisfied with a simple purpose. We invite chaos into order on many different levels and we do so in the name of justice, progress, and other names which give justification to destructive paths. What happens when all we have remaining are the "protected" natural resources? How long shall they remain protected in the face of human need and greed? We manipulate science to our advantage and show little respect for the very resources which we cannot exist separate from. It isn't enough that we have supremacy over all other living things for we must establish supremacy over one another.

We seem to have become an angry species. Tolerance, acceptance, and respect have become negative words in the modern vocabulary. We are going through a stage, we're finding our way, and we're handling it most ineptly. Thanks to modern advances, we are a global society. Never before have we been so interconnected. It's no longer a matter of taking a trip and being glad to get home. Home has expanded to incorporate the realities of every human on this planet. Prior to modern advances, the individual groups of humans were pretty much ignorant of one another. What we knew came from adventurers, historians, discoverers, and emissaries. We, for the most part, were influenced day to day by others like us. Most countries and inner communites flourished under common beliefs and unified values. Children were raised within that influence creating a continuance. We are today bombarded with influences at an uncontrollable rate. What we're familiar with and accept is threatened and we're automatically on the defensive. Change is necessary to continue to evolve as humans but we're ill-prepared for the rate of change we're experiencing. If we, as adults, can't find our way, we'll never be able to guide our children. There must be a common factor, if it's nothing more than mutual respect and acceptance as we find further common ground upon which we can all exist peacefully.

The majority of Americans have existed under a Christian belief since the founders of our country influenced its creation with similar beliefs brought from their motherland. Freedom of religion, however, was important enough for them to include in the laws that would govern this nation and it's worked for us since then. Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, aetheist, etc., have lived beside one another for generations without undue influence upon one another. The current conflict isn't a religious war; it has only become one in the minds of people due to the religious backgrounds of the combatants. War is never based on something as pure as religion though it's often used as an excuse. As the poem above states, those bravely in the bullet's path, are not those who call the shots. It's those we put into a place of power over us.

However incomprehensible the idea may seem, this current war, like WWI, too shall one day slip from our daily consciousness and escape into memory. Those who've died will be forever eulogized; those who've survived, lauded. History books, depending on the viewpoints of those involved, will tell us a story of dedication, bravery, strategies, losses and victories. There will be a supportable reason for the war but never a full understanding from anyone why people can't cohabitate peacefully. What shall not wane from day to day or be relegated to history is the presence of God for those who believe in Him.

Jesus, though the reason for the season, is a 24/7/365 presence and with the troops always.

For those directly involved, whether combatant or bystanding civilian, our thoughts and prayers are with you. We wish for you joy during this season, safety always, and a return to peace. For the troops unable to be with loved ones during this time, we support you, we love you, and look forward to your return.

I Have Lived

I’ve felt the movement of limbs from within and seen the first breath of life.

I’ve walked among many and been loved by a few; been a daughter, a mother, a wife.

I’ve felt the emotions with an array so vast; been taken high and brought low.

I’ve wanted and needed, given and taken, understood and sought to know

I’ve lain in the grass; climbed in the trees, flown, and danced in the rain

I’ve watched as loved ones were taken away and learned to smile through the pain.

I’ve endured the cold, been warmed by the sun, run barefoot on the beach

I’ve striven, accomplished, and relinquished those things which seemed to remain out of reach.

I’ve taken chances, made mistakes, and conformed when preferring to stay free.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost; I’ve loved again; yet still seek the true one for me.

I’ve breathed in the scent of the loveliest blooms and gazed on a horizons of pink

I’ve learned and taught, imagined and dreamed, and still continue to think.

I’ve been praised and belittled, trusted and blamed, sinned according to some

I’ve traveled to heaven and visited hell, and accept there are still trips to come.

I’ve witnessed the advancement of science and seen the world shrink in size

I’ve traveled virtually to all those places I could only yearn for in life.

I’ve compared and found wanting existence I’ve known, never quite being content

I’ve a new appreciation for life with this list and see clearly those moments misspent.

I2I

It's cold down here

It has turned cold and, for anyone from the southern US, it doesn't take much temperature drop for us to start complaining. While blizzards blow and transportation comes to a standstill further North, we're usually still walking around mid-day in short sleeve t-shirts and shorts because our weather patterns usually don't turn on us until later in January, if then, and only for a short while. I've seen snow only a few times in my life and only twice when we were able to make decent snowmen. Of course, by the time the snowmen were built, we'd exhausted the lawn's supply of snow or else it was already melted away. While we may battle endless mosquitoes, dreaded humidity, and exhausting heat, it's still preferable to the icy north winds simply because it's what we're accustomed to. So, when it's cold, our cold may be anyone else's comfort level. I've seen people who've migrated from the North walk around in our coldest weather with a light jacket or none at all while my teeth are chattering and I'm muttering under my breath. People here tell me to "put some fat on my bones," but I find the cold little reason to add extra layers of fat when I can layer my clothing instead. The problem is, the layers just don't seem to do the trick.

One problem I have with the cold is TMJ, that irritable problem you sometimes encounter with your jaw (s). I suffer from it mildly but I have to watch how I sleep, make sure I don't prop my chin in my hand or talk on the phone with it pressed to my shoulder, and I have to make certain to keep my jaw relaxed in the cold. That is difficult to do because, as soon as I get cold, I grit my teeth. This, in turn, causes stress on my jaws. It's a vicious cycle.

Another issue I have are the drafts which circulate inside this older house. Depending on where I'm situated in the house, I'm either freezing or suffocating due to the inadequacies of the central air. There is no comfort zone and the thermostat regulates terribly. If you don't hit just the right mark on it, the air either stays off for too long or on forever. But, it's still better than standing out in the cold.

My last complaint is static electricity. There's something about my chemistry which encourages the creation of the stuff. I get out of a car, which I do off and on all day, and I get shocked. I walk into the post office, I get shocked. I enter a store, the same thing happens. I touch a filing cabinet, I cringe. It's so bad that I tentatively approach any metal surface and touch it with the tip of my finger before grabbing hold. This, of course, slows progress if you have others in behind you. Sometimes it's downright painful and sparks will fly, but most of the time it's just startling, therefore I'm constantly seen jerking or jumping as if I'm having a fit. And you might know everyone else thinks it's funny. Any suggestions on how to stop it?

Oops! Thought of another one. Northern drivers beware if you come to the south during winter. Southerners do not know how to drive on icy roads. We just aren't prepared. We know absolutely nothing about heaters for our engines or chains on our tires. What we do know is the number to just about anyone with a 4-wheel drive truck and, since there are plenty of hunters, there are plenty of 4-wheel drive trucks with mudder tires rambling the roads as if they're rich as Arabs with the amount of fuel they must be consuming. I must admit that they're quite generous fellows, though. If they see you in trouble, they stop to help. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if it's generosity or plain old glee at getting to put their 4-wheels to the test, especially if there's mud involved. It's probably a mixture of both really.

Don't let me make you think I don't like the cold. We often wish for snow since it's such a foreign item. We have different sunsets due to the time change. I love the quiet which comes with winter and the brightly colored deciduous trees peeking from the pines as the cold signals it's time to shed their leaves. I love the scents rising from chimneys and across the breeze. I love a reason to rotate slowly in front of those fireplaces as if I'm a chicken on a rotisserie. Since we're ill-prepared for ice storms, they're a good excuse to get out of school or work and even the occasional winds that blow tree limbs on the power lines give us an excuse to light the oil lanterns and get reacquainted. There are positives and negatives to each season, I suppose, just as there are to each region. While we may curse the cold, we're going to do the same when the heat rises beyond what we think it should. Maybe we just have to have something to complain about so that everything else seems okay. lol

I wish for you clear roads, mild winds, and days filled with love and laughter.

Sexual Confusion

More years ago than I care to recount, I was born without any outward appendage that would cause anyone to consider me a male. At last glance, there still had not sprouted any new addition to my naturally female anatomy. Why then, am I besieged with endless emails which seem to be under the mistaken impression that I am indeed a male? Regardless of which email account or under whichever pseudonym or real name, I am deemed a male, obviously, and, just as obviously, I am supposed to be a male who is woefully insufficient in sexual organ dimension.

Today's suggestions, not unlike any other day's contributions, are:

Do not be loser change your male device size

Don't be shame because of your male device size

Change your sexual life enlarge your machine size

You have possiblity to become real man

To be well hung is now stylish

Huge size to please your lassie (I'm hoping they aren't talking about the dog)

Give your body an unusual upgrade for New Year!

Special New Year offer for penis enlargement

Don't miss out! Grow a monster in your pants for New Year!

The most effective remedy for your dik

Now, regardless of spelling and punctuation errors, they all offer the same thing. Actually, I'm a little surprised today due to the fact that they've almost all removed the word penis. Prior to today, they ALL contained that word or some slang term we've probably all heard at one time or another.

Unfortunately, the ones I'm referring to have come through my work email because some person on the network decided to download, open, or view a file or site they shouldn't have. At least my personal email recognizes 99.5% of them and removes them as trash so that I don't have to wade through them to get to the important stuff. Because our work email is "popped" into our Outlook folders, I have no hope of receiving less of these unless corporate does something within their own network email system. Actually, they seem to just get more numerous each day.

Oh well, at least they offer a reason to laugh, if nothing else.

Perhaps it's a good thing they aren't targeting the correct sex or I might get a complex.

WTH?! Search results are arguable

The images above are the result of a simple search using the Google engine. If you can see the detail, you'll see the top results provided using the search criteria gift ideas for 5 year old girl. Scanning down the list, I decided to click on the one which says http://www.childtoysstore.com/toys/girl-toy/toy-for-5-year-old-girl.htm.

At first glance, I totally overlooked the navigator bar which displayed Pic Of Girl And Anal Toys and even overlooked the descriptive paragraph for I was looking at the sidebar content. Once I'd scanned down through the lists of suggested toy categories, my eye traveled back up through the center of the page to the Related Toys area and there, mixed in with Disney princess jewelry and baby annabell, were the phrases girl wet and toy, lesbian, toy for girl horney. Huh?

So, anyway, I began really looking at the site and my confusion didn't abate one iota. Needless to say, I didn't waste my time navigating the entire site. I did remove the extension to see what the home page contained and it was a bit more encouraging. However, I won't be doing any shopping through this particular site. As a matter of fact, since I still have it open, I'm going to look for a contact point for the site owners.

Happy shopping and surfing everyone.

Edit addendum:

Their contact page content shown below. Think they already know?


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Year's End

I can't believe it's December and the end of another calendar year. You'd think that life would slow down along with you, but it somehow continues to accelerate while you're left standing in place. Days blend into one another and they're taken for granted and then, toward the end of the year, we look up from our daze of routine and predictability and realize that time has once again escaped us. We begin to take stock of what we've accomplished, of how much life we've actually lived, and sometimes we're content with our assessment, though hardly always.

Our good intentions from the previous New Year's resolutions may or may not have become reality. The changes we hoped for might have been put off for another 365 days because we always think there's a tomorrow. It takes real effort to make change happen and more so to follow it through and most of us find ourselves content to remain in our comfort zone of familiarity. Perhaps it's because we're happy with the way our lives really are and the changes we promise ourselves are due to what we think others, even society, expect of us. Perhaps we're working off images of our lives or ourselves which we refused to discard but which really belong to another person we knew long ago. Perhaps we're derailed by the people we accept into our lives and then feel a responsibility for. I really don't know why. Perhaps we're just lazy.

I, for one, had certain plans for this year which have not come to fruition. It's no-ones fault but my own, of course. Plans have a way of changing whether you want them to or not. It doesn't mean that I've given up on the plans I made; it simply means that some have been delayed, some have altered in vision, and some have been discarded intentionally as personal need and desire was fully realized. Life is a balance of want and need, anticipation and disappointment, success and capitulation, stark reality and ideology. The way I figure it, any amount of change is consequential. Even if you consider the changes insignificant, they have a way of affecting life overall, sometimes immediately and oftentimes in the unknown future.

The most difficult lesson I've had to learn (I should say accept, for I always knew it) is that I really can't control the people in my life. By control, I don't mean that I want to direct their lives; it simply means that I can't protect them from how my own decisions might upset the balance of their lives. While taking care of my father for most of my life, so many decisions I made were based on how they would affect him. When I added children to the mix, my sense of responsibility multiplied. Many things I wanted or desired were ignored because I couldn't guarantee the effect it might have overall. I wanted guarantees and, though I knew nothing in life was guaranteed, I chose to act or not to act based on their availability. Alone, I would risk anything. Alone, however, is not something you are if you have even one person closely connected to your life. I have had, and do have, more than one. I have several, in fact, and though I even now realize that I should be making life decisions based on myself, my wants and needs, I find that old habits don't die hard at all; they simply linger on another plane of existence waiting for their chance to re-enter my reality. The small change is that I recognize this fear of hurting, disappointing, or alienating those connected to me and manage to ignore it at times. I made several decisions this year for myself and have found that life didn't crash around me. Those who genuinely care about me accomodated the decisions even if they were less than happy with them. They've learned that there's more to me than daughter, mother, friend, and businesswoman and they're adjusting. Of course, I now wonder why I allowed fear for them to rule my life for so long and there are a lot of "what-if's", but I prefer to continue looking forward instead of backward.

Another thing I've found is that impediments can be positive elements despite how you feel about them in the moment. Sometimes you find that what you think you desire with all your heart is inconsequential when time allows you to reflect upon it. Without impediments, we'd often leap without looking and sometimes looking at something for a while will reveal to you whether it's a prize worth pursuing or just something second-rate, something that's right for you or not. Patience is not only a virtue, it's often a life-effectuation.

Lastly, I've learned that, though it's better to have a plan, plans are nothing more than intent. Whether it is a year-end resolution, scheduled vacation, job-change, engagements; all of these are subject to change and are not set in concrete. Failing to see them through does not necessarily mean we lack a sense of direction, that we're self-delusional, or even powerless. It simply means that we allowed life to get in the way and apparently the importance of those things we resolved, or planned, wasn't any greater than the day-to-day things we already deal with. Life introduces variables into our daily existence, some imperceptible and some very tangible. Plans can and will fall through and it's okay. You have to re-evaluate and continue forward on the best path for yourself. Though tomorrow isn't guaranteed, we go on faith that the sun shall rise. Planning ahead facilitates but does not dictate life.

I am...

Simply said

I am...

one of the "arrogant" Americans for which I do not apologize any more than I would expect others to apologize for their land of birth and the society which has shaped the persons they are. The truth is that we are all products, first and foremost, of our primary society and, ultimately, of global society and we cannot escape the fact that we are all one in the name of humanity and we're all, individually and as groups, responsible for what takes place on this planet we inhabit. We cannot determine if there are in fact other forms of humanity elsewhere and our Gods are omnipresent yet inaccessible to us, so it is up to us as a global community to make this world what we would wish it to be. We can point out the deficiencies and proficiencies in one another as individuals, sexes, races, and nationalities but we cannot escape the fact that we are accountable as individuals for the way we allow ourselves to think, feel, and act and, though we are different in so very many ways, we are ultimately the same. Despite our placement and outward appearances, we are all basically genetically related and yet we insist on standing apart. We will never be immune to some heirarchy which will attempt to suppress or control us. We will live beneath the power of something because we forget that we are the larger power and that the "little" people, when joined, do have the power to change the status quo. If we all truly wanted something to be a certain way we could make it happen and yet we would rather choose to allow our differences to hinder us. I am me, but I am also you. I hope the considerations I make today reflect well on you.

"I am...

woman. Hear me roar." I have the opportunity to relate to that popular song quotation because I was blessed to be born a woman in the twentieth century and I also happen to have been born under the sign of the Lion. I am the thankful recipient of a better place in society due to the efforts of women who weren't afraid to demand better rights for the "fairer" sex. I happen to appreciate the differences between men and women and recognize my own inability to perfom some tasks which men excel at, but I believe a person should be treated on an equal basis without preconceived notions of what they "might" be qualified for in life. Is that an American view? No, it's a human view. If a woman in any society feels within herself that she serves a certain purpose and is comfortable with her life, more power to her. If, however, a woman is a victim of her society regardless of what her personal desires might be, that is a crime against her. I, personally, have never wanted to be a man. I've wanted to have equality, but never the desire to be the opposite sex. While being female means that I'm an emotional creature, I've found that emotion can tie me in place and also propel me forward. To those I love, I will remain steadfast even if competing desires exist. I figure personal sacrifices are measurable and, when done in the name of love, worthwhile.

I am...

a mother and will never accomplish anything in this life to surpass this. Man may have been gifted with supremacy thus far in society and politics, but the supreme power has never been his and, unless science provides means as yet unknown, never shall. Some women never feel the desire to propagate life; some women mourn the inability to do so; fortunes are made on the human need, and for those of us to whom it comes easily and welcomed, there is nothing greater in this life. Perhaps it is this one power women possess which has caused men to subjagate women for centuries. Men already know that women are as intelligent as they and that running this world does not require personal physical prowess when you can get enough strength to support you and protect your back. Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth, and other such leaders proved that. How so is it then that women have been relegated to an inferior position? Religion? I pause to think of Hillary Clinton and her bid for presidency. As a woman, would she prove to be any different than her predecessors or would she guide the nation as men before her have done because she is locked into a system established and still majorly ruled by men? Would she affect a better course and would it have anything to do with the fact that she approaches it as a female...and a mother?

I am...

not infallible. I make mistakes daily but not always readily or knowingly. I do, however, accept responsibility for my thoughts, words, feelings and actions but expect others to do the same with their own and not contribute them to me. I can shoulder your own as well as mine, but I prefer not to. I will agonize over my own decisions and courses my life has taken because of them, but I accept that most in my life is within my control and that I cannot control another. I believe that there is nothing in this life separate and standing alone; that there is a chain reaction, or ripple effect. I'm not certain, nor shall I ever have the answer, whether all that is here remains as a continuous cycle of energy. I can only hope that, if it is so, the energy left behind by me is more positive than negative; more beneficial than detrimental.

I am...

evolving; growing. I believe I've grown as a person more so in the last couple of years than I have most of my life and this is because I've become my own person instead of always being what others want or expect of me. It is quite a liberating feeling and one worth pursuing and developing. Unfortunately, during this process of self-acknowledgment, people I love have been caught in the tangled emotional and indecisive minefield...some have remained and others gave up too easily and willingly or just simply lost sight that they really knew who I was despite the confusion and allowed an inner voice to guide them elsewhere. Nevertheless, what I mourn or exalt in is mine to do so. Hopefully, along this new path I'll find more to take pride in than mourn the loss of. Since a person never stops the process of change, it's important to be open to all new experiences. There are times I feel the wonder of a child and other times when the appreciation is more subtle but everything is worthy of our notice and time. Perhaps if we had the awareness of a child, we'd be more purposefully conscious of all that goes on around us, our place in the scheme of things, and our responsibility to future generations. I'd much rather try new things than remain comfortably stagnant in the familiar and I hope that I'll always be properly appreciative of my ability to go and do as so many are unable to.

I am...

finished with this for now. I am no-one; I am someone. To many I have value, to more I don't exist. What is important is my value to myself. This sometimes is debatable for I'm my own worst critic but overall I figure I'm as important as the next person; no better, no worse. Being me is not the worst life could offer and if I don't like something then it's up to me to change it. This I can do.

This will be my truth as I see it but I'm always open to insights and opinions from others since through this interaction I continue the growth process. My truth cannot be another's any more than theirs can be my own for life shapes us through individual experience and never shall we share equally in them.

Random thoughts of an evening

One creator you all agree but the unity stops there.
Different laws govern all as if the one omnipotent being
couldn't make up his mind on how things should be run.
He gave you strength through reasoning and
frailty through questions unanswered; faith
to bolster you and choices to test that faith;
differences to confound you; sameness
to allow you to question those differences.

Actions are defined by belief. Who is right?

As the end approaches and you cry out
to your god, who do you think he will attend?
Do you think the divisions created outside
his realm will stand? Will you be praised or
condemned for basing your existence on
your version of what shall remain a mystery
to you all? Will you be forgiven for refusing to
discern his divine truth from man's truth
altered throughout the ages? Will he understand
acts performed in his name where you did
not first remove your own selfish motivations?
~

The distance, no longer today than yesterday,
seems as endless as the untouchable horizon
and yet you are there and I am here, our bodies
anchored, our thoughts free to traverse the divide,
our emotions encouraged by memories shared.

Moments missed
Moments unshared
Moments irretrievable

Is it enough? How long will it be enough?
~

Actions and reactions, what good do they do?
Chaos reigns and madness remains.
Anger unresolved, hatred allowed to grow,
seething hurt churns within until compelled to show.
Society's vicitms. America's lost.
~

Two strangers.
One heart.

Threshold of a beginning.
~

What is real?
What is imagined?
Do we feel because it's
what we want to feel?
Are our emotions
superimposed by our
desire, our need?
Does our imagining them
make them real?
~

Expletives designed to emphasize
a point or an emotion were not meant
to encompass a person's entire vocabulary.
It makes you so very uninteresting.
~

Scavengers
unwanted, unexpected
hidden from view
revealed suddenly
by the destruction
of their seclusion.

Intruders
into my repast
and on into my
subconscious where
they will again hide
from view only to
be revealed by whatever
catalyst awakens
the memory.

Nauseators
which cause my
stomach to churn
and bile to rise
in rejection of the
meal shared with them;
their entryway into
cellophane unnoticed
until too late.

Scurriers
emerging from their
edible lodge
fearing my presence
even as I desire
to avoid theirs.
Would that we had
never had opportunity
to become aware of
one another's existence.
~

What he doesn't say
rebounds through the
silent apartment.
What he doesn't say
knocks at the recesses
of his mind seeking release.
What he doesn't say
creates mystery, distance,
an open door.

She turns and walks through it.

~

She led them away from her young;
sacrificing her life for their own.

That is a mother.

~
CNRR
The day's pace dictates
that I avoid you.
Your unexpected arrival
disturbs the flow.
My thoughts center
now that you hold me.
The cacophony muted
by unseen barriers.

Neither coincidence,
nor deja vu.
Other human hands
have known you.
Their expressions left
as marks upon you.
Some of which
I recognize.

You are familiar
to me.

Your journeys
along the peripheral
of my existence
leave me yearning
to go with you.

~

Hesitantly ascending the incline

Closer, ever closer the apex approaches.

Anticipation simmers and the yearning builds;

breathing deepens becoming as erratic as the

heart.

You brace yourself, holding on.

Wanting, but afraid to let go.

`

Reaching the peak,

Paused on the brink of infinity,

Seeing beyond expectations,

teetering on top of the world,

All thought suspended and senses attuned,

Your contentment awakens

`

In an infinitesimal moment when

your heart stills its beating

breath catches in your throat

body tenses and holds

and realization of the

impending

uncertain

free-falling

descent

hits you.

`

You accept and let go.

Overwhelmed by sensations, you want to stay,

savor the moment, the experience,

and allow yourself time to mold

the memory into a lasting testament to

your ability to overcome fear and live.

`

Back down to earth,

your breathing resumes, heart steadies its rhythm

and you're infused with the warm rush

of life's sustaining fluid and embrace the

moment,

the one you're with, and become

enveloped in consummate satisfaction.

`

Roller coasters are an experience!

Inane Rambling

Truth is like the stars; it does not appear except from behind obscurity of the night. Truth is like all beautiful things in the world; it does not disclose its desirability except to those who first feel the influence of falsehood. Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness.
..
Kahlil Gibran


I wonder what the world would be like if everyone communicated with the open and honest attitude of children. It makes me think of that movie with Jim Carey (?) where he cannot tell a lie. Certainly it makes for some awkward moments, some hilarious situations you'd probably rather avoid, but can you imagine everyone being totally frank with you? You'd always know where you stand with them, wouldn't you? No questions, no miscommunications, no doubts to plague you.

Instead, as we develop sensitivities and defenses, we tend to sidestep brutal honesty in deference to diplomacy and tact. We don't want to hurt one anothers' feelings, we fear we'll alienate those we need or want, we're afraid perhaps of receiving the same honesty in return and what that will mean to us as individuals, or total honesty upsets our own personal agendas.

What I'm talking about as childish communication is doing so without barriers; fearless communication. They say what comes to mind and they haven't learned to be afraid to speak their minds regardless of what immediate emotion or thought has control of them. They aren't caught up in fear of rejection for the little beggars are totally self-oriented. If they don't like something, you can bet you're going to learn about it, usually very audibly.

If you think I'm a bitch, tell me I'm a bitch. Sure, it may bother me but you've just opened an opportunity for real communication if I take the opening you've given me. I might ask you to explain why you think my actions qualify me as bitchy and then I might give you my take on situations which have led me to the current mood or action which dictates that I'm being what you say I am. We might get the chance to clear the air on many misconceptions or misunderstandings and then we might not speak to one another again for a few days. We might learn things about one another that we'd never have discovered otherwise because strong emotions will reveal much if you'll let them. Who knows? The point is that we communicated and we did so without barriers we'd normally erect for our protection or in the name of diplomacy.

How often have you left the presence of someone with less than perfect feelings about something or an uncertainty niggling at your mind or emotions? Why not just stop, force the truth and know where you stand? Why not push the issue which might be leaving you both with wrong impressions which will cause distance, lack of trust and respect, or a total dissolution of the relationship? What are we the most afraid of; their honesty or the effect our own will have?

Tell me where the hell I stand. It's preferable. If I don't like where I'm standing, I can always opt to stand elsewhere. I hate games. I hate manipulations. I hate having to cater to people when honesty would serve a worthier purpose.

Yes, I'm guilty of having done exactly what I say I hate but I try not to do so any more. Every relationship, regardless of the type, requires communication but what's the point if it's not open and honest? So, for those whose more delicate feelings I may tromp, I apologize in advance. I'm not afraid to communicate and I'm able to handle your criticism and your opinions. If you think I'm wrong, call me on it. I'm capable of being brutally honest with myself about myself if you'll dare to point things out. If not, then don't make me accountable for your tender feelings, please, and don't just label me without giving us both the opportunity of understanding one another better.

Isn't science amazing?

I was reading this morning on the new developments in stem cell research (derived from skin cells) and, though the hoped for results are yet to be determined, it proves what humans can do in spite of, or due to, ethical and political issues. When the issue first presented itself and since then, so much debate and lobbying has occurred to allow the use of embryonic tissue for the purpose feeling it an urgent necessity. Ethical issues prevented the conservative Americans from favoring such practice although they recognized the significance of such study. Research was stymied due to lack of funding and support. In the meantime, other countries (ex., Britain, Iran, Japan, Australia) not so inhibited continued in the search for breakthroughs with necessary funding and American scientists have collaborated. All countries face such ethical guidelines though America’s often seem to have a more stringent effect on opportunity for advancement in the field. Despite all the political issues surrounding the research, scientist have managed to circumvent the most arguable issue, embryonic tissue, and have found other avenues to reach that ultimate goal of manipulating human cells to do and become what they wish them to.

Where will it take us? Will the need for transplanted organs one day be a thing of the past? Will degenerative disease cease to be a medical burden? Will the world’s population become a burden itself as people no longer face early demise? There again, as we unlock the mysteries to age-old and current illnesses and human frailties, new ones arise to give us pause for concern and the need for able minds, funded labs, and societal and federal support never wanes. There again is my original thought...It seemed a roadblock to success was being put into place by the ethical arguments against the method of harvesting cells for the research. Even as the political heat, lobbyists cries, and personal debates ensued, scientist discovered a new approach and they did so because we challenged them, because we blocked them, or perhaps a little of both. Would other methods have been sought had they been granted all the embryonic cells they required? What benefits and discoveries might occur for having to utilize more difficult methods of extraction?

Heart & Mind

After talking with a friend who has faced many relationship disappointments...

I was sitting here thinking about the heart's capacity to love. I guess that could be said for any emotion but I was pondering love and not an alter emotion at the moment. A parent's capacity to love one or a dozen children uniquely and at the same time equally. A person's generosity in loving friends who disappoint him again and again. An achiever's ability to love each accomplished goal as if it's his first, whether a chef with a new creation or a rock climber reaching new heights. A lover well past his prime finding love again after so many completed relationships.

It's amazing to me that the heart has the ability to let go and continue on with anticipation of something new. Perhaps this can't be said about those individuals who allow themselves to become embittered and closed off to emotion. Life evolves and we're created to evolve along with it. It's our own selfish intentions which stymie the process.

Not everyone can remember all the people they've been intimate with but I'm sure they can all name those who've touched their hearts whether romantically or in some other way. Those able to make us feel the finer emotions become part of us and we can never separate ourselves from them and the influence, regardless of how significant, they've had on our psyche. Certainly, there are some I'd like to eradicate from my own but, then again, would I? Who I am today is in some measure due to their presence in my life. Connections, whatever the duration, are never broken completely for those persons' lives touched ours and we're forever changed.

Maybe I'm wrong about that. If I were to lose my memory and all thought, conscious and subconscious, of that person and times shared, I'd have no emotions connected, would I? The mind and heart do not operate without one another and are perfectly synchronized normally. Of course, it would take something traumatic to cause a complete loss of memory. I hear hypnosis could erase unwanted memories or alter my response to them.

Ah well, I guess I'm pretty matter-of-fact about love, in the romantic sense. I logically recognize that the heart does not actually break though it sometimes feels as if it must. I know that the healing process is indeterminable and different depending on the depth of emotional attachment. But I also know that the heart's capacity is not limited and that it does not always follow logic. It cannot discern the varying qualities which bring love to us. It's just the recipient of the brain's suggestions based on so many criteria put into place by genetics and life experiences. Though our minds gather the positives and negatives of a person, the heart determines how they're balanced. We sometimes ask ourselves, or others ask it when they witness us, how we can love the ones we do. Obviously there's a connection we value on some level or we'd not end up in the relationships we do.

One thing is inescapable...love does go on, love is possible, love is plentiful if we remain open to it and can endure the disappointments and heartaches which ensue when it's taken from us.

Strong Women

Strong Women

Strong women are those who know the road ahead will be strewn with obstacles, but they still choose to walk it because it's the right one for them.

Strong women are those who make mistakes, who admit to them, learn from those failures, and then use that knowledge.

Strong women are easily hurt, but they still extend their hearts and hands, knowing the risk and accepting the pain when it comes.

Strong women are sometimes beat down by life, but they still stand back up and step forward again.

Strong women are afraid. They face fear and move ahead to the future, as uncertain as it can be.

Strong women are not those who succeed the first time. They're the ones who fail time and again, but still keep trying until they succeed.

Strong women face the daily trials of life, sometimes with a tear, but always with their heads held high as the new day dawns.

~ Brenda Hager

Moving forward while looking back

I wrote this blog entry almost a year ago now elsewhere and I ran across it today. Reading it gives me an appreciation for journals which many people keep. It's strange at times to read your own prior thoughts and be able to gauge how different the intervening time has been, if at all.

Since the writing, my life has had several unexpected upheavals and I've looked back wondering what I might have done to precipitate the situations. I laugh now at the "reverberations unexpected" but it's mingled with a groan. My forward momentum seems to have lagged but my focus is still ahead. I refuse to throw in the towel.

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Becoming

As a new part of my self-discipline I should be in bed so that work is not any more stressful tomorrow than it already is but my mind was not at rest and so here I am.

A friend described me as "moving forward" and that would be an apt description. Life is about moving forward. No-one wants to remain stagnant in any area of life although sometimes life dictates that we remain in place or else we might choose to due to some catalyst or another. The familiar nuances of life comfort us and sustain us but they don't always bring us total satisfaction with life because we strive for more...as it should be.

Perfection is an unattainable goal for it depends on the onlooker's opinion of perfection as to whether or not it has been achieved. A way to make improvements can always be found by the onlooker for that person will attribute their own personal requirements to the mix. It's always best to achieve your own idea of perfection or your own level of satisfaction with something instead of relying on the opinion of others for only you know what you need to feel that you've achieved your best or done the best for yourself. The opinions of others have value in that they do give you another way to look at things; a new perspective, but you still must come to your own conclusions and follow what's right for yourself. I've heard it said when looking at another's life, "He's got the perfect life." and have wondered if the person being viewed feels the same. Our perception of another's life is one-dimensional for we've no idea what is beyond what we can see and how much that person may desire to escape what he's familiar with. We can all agree, most likely, that nothing and no-one is perfect, but it gives us something to strive for.
I thought I'd changed a lot in the last year but that's too broad a statement to make regarding the facets of myself that have become more prominent. I haven't changed, per se, as much as revealed what always existed. What has changed is not myself but instead the act of hiding facets from others and even from myself that has. Was I always conscious of these facets? No. I'd denied them to a point to where I didn't recognize them and with the revealing of them was thrown into confusion. There was fear of them and an attempt to deny them consciously as well as remain with what was safe and familiar. Why would I desire to do this? Because of the fear of rejection by family, friends, and even simple acquaintances. Most people have a desire to be accepted and conform in small and large ways to fit into whatever niche they identify as their own, the one assigned to them and familiar, or one they strive to be a part of. When a person can stand on his own two feet confident in himself and is willing to risk rejection on any scale, he's much more liberated and able to be happy than ever possible before because life becomes based on what he wants and not the wants, expectations, or desires of others.

Unfortunately, it's been both a simple and a difficult process. I've gone through many doubts and tears. I've vacillated between holding on to what my heart cried out for even as another part of me cried out for life to be based on a better me. For those in my life from whom I feared the greatest opposition, I've found surprising acceptance and support; albeit a little fear on their part. For those I thought would support me and have patience even though they might not understand, I've found a surprising distance created. You can never know what effects your changes will create in others and you have no control over that and so you must continue forward even when it hurts and leave others to make their own decisions. You mourn the relationships lost, you take comfort in those which adjust and remain, and you make new ones based on the person you've allowed yourself to become.

I've no great revelations to make regarding myself. I'm not coming out of the "proverbial" closet for I'm not a lesbian though it's been questioned often enough. Living a decade alone by choice has brought a lot of speculation regarding my character. That is of little importance for it's today that I live for and the hope of tomorrow. I don't worry about tomorrow though once I agonized over it; especially due to my children. Today is enough for me and I will let tomorrow take care of itself. That is one major change I made. Another is that I've stopped being a people pleaser. A friend once described me that way and I refused the attribute though it was very on-the-mark. In trying to be what everyone else expected, I failed to be myself. Now things are on my timetable, by my desire, or not at all. Somewhere in the equation, I exist and so I include my own wants instead of eliminating them. It's not that I have a desire to disappoint or anger people but they're accustomed to me being a certain way and are having to adjust to dealing with me differently. I've become very adamant about being myself and can be quite stubborn though I know that it's just the fear of giving into others which causes me to be so obstinate. I still have that desire to make others happy before myself and I have to stay on guard right now. Gradually, I'll be able to let go of that control for life will have facilitated the necessary adjustments in my own attitude as well as those close to me.

I've found that even the most minute change can create reverberations unexpected; some welcome and some not. I've learned the value of compromise instead of capitulation. I'm appreciating the difference in participating in life versus observing it. I'm not certain how my friends feel about the "new" me but they've enabled this change more so than anyone else simply by their interactions and confrontations with the person I was along the way and I do say along the way for this has been a gradual awakening which is far from over.

Recommended reading

Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace . . . One School at a Time (Paperback) (I read this one) One Man's Mission to Fight Terrorism and Build Nations...One School at a Time (Hardback)
by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin.

This is a non-fiction story based on Mortenson's own journey as a simple mountaineer and humanitarian. After failing to reach the summit of Pakistan's K2, the world's second tallest mountain, and being ill and disoriented, he wandered into a village and the time spent there would change the course of his life. Dedicated to returning to Pakistan to build a school for this one community, his personal sacrifices included living out of his vehicle to facing the dangers of a war-torn country. What started with a desire to give back to those who'd helped him, grew into an organization which has educated children, empowered women, and trained fathers with lifeskills which together enable the communities to thrive. With a desire but no knowledge of how to go about even the first step towards his goal, he persevered and learned as he went. As an American, he represents the best of us to a world foreign to us.

What I believe I was left with more than anything else was the evidence of what one person truly can do when that person actually acts upon the thought that so many of us have. We all see ways in which we think the world or life itself can be improved and most often the thought of doing something is fleeting or easily put aside due to daily responsibilities and routines. I suppose that it's when something touches us individually to a point that we can't ignore that thought or it imbeds itself into our waking moments and heart that we move beyond our routines to take action.

The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini

A novel set in Afghanistan, it involves the story of the intertwined lives of two boys of different tribes and social ranks who grew up together but parted due to one's betrayal of the other. Though the family of one boy eventually escapes the politically torn county by immigrating to America, the distance which lay between them had nothing to do with geography. Despite their differences, love bound them to one another and would eventually bring them back together in an unexpected way.

I bought this book one afternoon when I had time to kill. While I read the first few chapters right away, I put the book aside until later in the evening when I was able to relax. Having planned to go to bed early, I was surprised when it became 10:30 without my notice. Needless to say, I was so caught up in the story unfolding before me that I couldn't put the book down and finished it at midnight.

I've thought about the story today, not so much the story itself as the thoughts it's generated...what we do to ourselves as we grow for ourselves and those around us, especially our parents; our perceptions, our needs and what we'll do to fulfill them define us and shape us. Often, tough decisions are required and we're not up to the challenge and we're left with a lifetime of guilt or regret and sometimes, just sometimes, we're offered the opportunities to right wrongs which hold us in place.

Beyond the stories within each cover, when you're able to see a foreign land through the eyes of someone native to it, your perspective is changed forever. That is one extra gift given by both authors.

Less desirable trait

I'm sitting here thinking about one aspect of my personality which gets me into trouble at times. It's quite aggravating and perhaps it is a problem at times but it shouldn't ever become a large problem, I wouldn't think. Hmmn.

Anyway, I'm thinking out loud, so to speak, and this may ramble without seeming direction.
I make decisions every day, some minor and some major, both personally and professionally. Some decisions come quickly and some I will deliberate depending on how important I think the need is. I tend to stand behind my decisions so it's necessary to do so.

Considering that I've been making decisions involving myself and others for as long as I can remember, I definitely know I have no hesitation in taking control. If no-one will make a decision, I can and will make one for all and won't hesitate to give them grief for their own lack of decisiveness if they gripe about what I dictate.

However, when it comes to things on a personal level involving myself and friends, I will often defer to others. Don't get me wrong, if I feel strongly about something one way or another, I will voice my own opinion or go my own way. But, when it comes to less than siginficant matters, such as where to eat, what pub to go to, or whatever, I have no problem taking back seat. So, I'm asking myself now why that is.

If I'm on familiar turf, I can assist in a decision. If in strange territory and still feeling my way, I'll defer, as I said, because it seems less taxing and I'm open to new experiences. Now, if I get somewhere I don't enjoy or have a bad experience, I'm becoming more familiar and know to speak my opinion the next time that place is suggested. The same goes if the experience is favorable. Many times I defer simply because I don't feel strongly one way or another and sometimes I just don't have a preference and anything is an option. I think this has a tendency to drive some people to distraction.

Maybe also, it's because I'm thinking that if I don't have a definite preference, it's possible the other person will. If he/she does not voice their own preference, we stall out waiting on one another.

There's another aspect to it all that makes sense to me but does not necessarily transfer to another's understanding. Because I take life too seriously most of the time and because I am forced daily to make decisions, sometimes it's just plain nice to leave lesser matters to someone else. It's nice to not have to make decisions and leave control in someone else's hands. Sometimes it's just nice to lean on someone else every once in a while.

So, put food in front of me and I will eat. Drive somewhere and I will enter and ask to leave if I determine it not to my taste. Or, if all else fails, give me limited options which tells me that your preference is included or that you've eliminated the places you don't want to go and the foods you're not interested in and I'll make my choice from the much preferable smaller list of options. Besides that, learn my preferences and many of the choices will not be questioned anyway.
I think another problem I present is that, instead of giving definite yes or no answers, I'll say something such as, "That sounds good." or, "That will be fine." Maybe the lack of a definite "Yes!" makes my answer seem dubious.

Okay, so another thought came to mind. Perhaps the ones getting aggravated face the same things as I and don't want to make decisions themselves. I'll have to ask that the next time this problem arises.

So, anyway, my problem isn't indecisiveness. I'd say it's more likely acquiescence. Now I'm pondering if that's the correct word for what I'm thinking. Oh well!

Momentary thought

You think you know yourself but, until you're faced with each new circumstance; each new situation, you really don't know which part of you will come to the fore to affect the decisions you make or influence the feelings you'll have. You can say that you'd do this or that but, in reality, each moment is unique with unlimited possibilities and reactions to it. What you do is dependent on so many variables and combinations thereof. If a particular scent causes you to recoil or linger, the time of day finds you energetic or lethargic, a blending of environmental colors soothes or incites you, increasing or decreasing decibels of sound cause you to cringe or turn your head to catch the slightest note...each moment is a composite that never can be repeated and will draw from you a possibly familiar reaction or possess the ability to create a new, unexpected reaction. It will, in itself, be unique determined by the combination of elements which occur within that moment. If you could freeze a moment and with keen awareness separate each element existing within it, there would be too many to list and yet we are affected by everything around us whether we're consciously aware of it or not.

Examining a reason for a decision made would involve the current moment, the moments that led up to the current one as well as the distant past and the future that exists within our minds, for we all have one envisioned. We all have expectations for the day, the month, the year ahead. We have expectations of what it will be even though we know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. We may see it as unchanging from what we know today; we may see it varying greatly, nevertheless we see it with our own personal expectations, dreams, and hopes. We are influenced by the future as much as we are by the past or present for it is in what we hope for ourselves that we determine our next move, action, decision...whatever...and yet it cannot be separated from the past or present. All time comes together in that one moment to influence what we do, how we react.

A person who has lived much a solitary life...not cultivating relationships by choice or circumstance...will feel comfortable with himself and feel that he has a strong personal knowledge of himself for he's spent little time outside of himself. He wouldn't be wrong for he'd know the person that life, environment, and habit has created. Introduce change to his existence, however, and he's faced with new thoughts, feelings, and reactions unfamiliar to him caused by new influences. The person he knew is now forced to encounter facets of himself which he never knew existed. Based on his assurance that he knows himself, he will argue constancy even as he changes and later will find himself surprised by a new self-awareness and will even have opportunity to eat the proverbial crow.

If you've ever heard the saying, "Never say never.", you might have already found it to be a very realistic warning. Everything up to this point may have given you a false sense of self-restraint because the variables have not caused you to act out of character, but life is ever-changing and continuously presenting you with unexpected variables which may cause you to do many things you'd never think possible. We do not exist separate from our environment and everything affects and influences who we are and what we do and this is forever evolving. While we may affirm an intimate knowledge of ourselves, it is only the persons we were yesterday and are in the current moment that we are familiar with. The next moment and beyond will further define who we are and will continue until that last moment of life determines exactly who we are, who we have become. Only when life can no longer affect us will the process of personal evolution cease. Only when we die do we cease to grow as only human beings can.

Take a middle-aged, solid, law-abiding citizen who's never had to feel the pangs of conscience due to having cheated, stolen, or lied. Take away everything he has in life and make him destitute and he will be forced to put aside that conscience at times in the name of survival. Take a poor young woman who'd never steal regardless of what she alone faced in life. Make her a one-income, poverty level mother with a sick child and not enough money for medicine and see which survives...her child or her personal values. Take the most selfish, self-serving, penny-pinching individual and introduce him to the right cause which touches him personally and watch him give tirelessly and generously. Never say never whether it's a positive or negative for you just never know what life will ask of you.

Human intelligence, emotion, and reasoning removes us from existing on instinct and habit alone. While each moment may not be within our control, we do have the ability to affect future ones by understanding what factor within each moment causes us to react as we do. It becomes a conscious choice. If something causes us to react in anger, identifying causes allows us to avoid them if we have a desire not to react similarly in the future. Another example is smoking. Certainly there is a nicotine addiction but more so there is a habit formed around that addiction which feeds it. What, more than anything else, causes you to reach for that cigarette? Of course, change requires aknowledgement that there is a need for change, a personal desire to be different from who life has made us thus far, and manipulation of successive moments to affect that desired change or variance from our comfortable norm.

How often do we feel so certain of what we want; of a particular path we've chosen, just to have life show us something different which affects how we feel and what we decide? We probably all know someone who pursued a certain dream just to determine after a lifetime that the dream wasn't what they really wanted or needed after all. The elusive dream is the one we don't recognize because we're too busy chasing what we think we want. We convince ourselves early on of what we believe we must accomplish or have and seldom veer from the pathway to it even as life is giving us indications of what it is we truly desire. Whether it is our own expectations we have for ourselves or others' expectations of us, we blind ourselves to how simple the pathway to happiness really is. Contentment is not found in plaques on the wall, initials behind our names, or material possessions. It is found within the human interaction we enjoy along the way; those people who share our journey. Unfortunately, most of us are too busy achieving or searching for that elusive dream to give credible time to those relationships so that they fall along the wayside. We're often left alone in the end or else we've formed empty relationships without meaning because those who really saw us, understood us, gave up hope of us ever really seeing them and opted to take an alternate path. We can find happiness anywhere if we adjust our expectations. As long as our immediate needs are taken care of, beyond that our happiness is determined by what exists within our own minds and hearts. There is nothing wrong with dreams, goals, aspirations unless they take the joy away from living the life you do have. It doesn't mean that you have to accept the status quo; it simply means that we, ourselves, take away the opportunity for contentment by focusing on what we don't have instead of appreciating what we do. (There are, of course, extreme situations for which this scenario is far too simple, such as an abusive relationship or homelessness.)

Changes ahead now averted

There are people who tell me I think too much. They also tell me that I take life too seriously. Despite the time contemplating and sometimes agonizing over decisions, I still am prone to making mistakes and even altering the course of my life. Within business, I make snap decisions easily but, when the decisions involve my personal life and the people I love, I consider them with deliberate calculation with each receiving time necessitated by the degree of seriousness. When pushed in making those decisions, I balk and retreat from the pressure applied by someone else. I have made decisions in the past based on someone else’s timetable simply because an answer was needed and those decisions often were regrettable but I stood by them nevertheless. There are no guarantees on the consequences of decisions made. You can never know if they will be positive or negative until you’ve made them and see the outcome. Unfortunately, I don’t always have awareness of all the variables necessary for the decision readily at hand but, given enough time, they will most often be revealed to me. Because I am as responsible for the consequences of those decisions as I am the decisions themselves and what led up to them, I want to be sure that they’re the best decisions I can make. I want to know that, right or wrong, I can stand behind the decision and accept full responsibility for the consequences. If this is seen as a measure of control, then it’s what it is, but I can only control myself and I’ll leave everyone else’s lives, actions, reactions, feelings, thoughts, etc. to them.

One negative aspect to my way of doing things is that those involved in my life don’t always accept it as it is, attributing something to the process that doesn’t exist such as thoughts or feelings I don’t possess. Thankfully, my children are aware of how I am and they’ve learned that to push for an answer or to try to influence my decision will disrupt and prolong the process, cause unnecessary confusion, and often give them the direct opposite of the desired answer they seek. They accept the way I am although they’ve had to learn patience in awaiting answers which they’d much rather have had quickly.

One positive aspect of it is that I can be comfortable with myself in the end. The results of the decisions made are not always what I’ve have them be but I can willingly stand firm whether applauding or defending myself.

The regrettable decisions are those I allowed myself to be pushed into and I often look back upon them wishing for a different outcome. However, nothing prior to the current moment can be altered; all you can do is to go forward and hope that subsequent decisions will alter the course of things and bring a better outcome in time.

And on to Christmas

On this day of Thanksgiving, I couldn't keep the thought of the next holiday from my thoughts. Perhaps it was because of the gathering of relatives en masse which in itself is unusual unless there's a funeral, holiday, or similar outstanding occasion. Of course my mind dwelled on those whose physical presence is sadly missing but it also went to all those present who would end up on my seemingly endless shopping list for Christmas. As the family grows, your list lengthens or you start eliminating the older in favor of the younger. Some families draw names but we gave even that up years ago. Parents are never removed from the individual lists but siblings fall by the wayside more often than not. What once was a time to look forward to with excitement and expectation, becomes a tireless trek through store after store in search of hopefully just the right gifts or eventually whatever your tired mind and body can amass. Hopefully, you manage to get it all done without losing all your good spirit.

What is it about today's time where children receive all year long whatever their little hearts desire? Is it because we're so blasted busy supporting them and earning the money that it's easiest to placate their needs with material possessions? Is it because we're so tired that sitting in front of a television, computer, or game each night is preferable to being involved with them and so it's okay if they vegetate in front of the television in imitation of us? I not too long ago stated to someone that it was due to the economic times and societal expectations which drove both parents to work thus leaving the children in the care of non-disciplinary relatives or whomever and creating a lost generation of kids. On second thought, however, I believe it goes deeper than that. It's not because both parents are forced to work that kids are directionless and willful these days. We can find them suitable care during our working hours, we can allow others who watch them some disciplinary license and, in our non-working hours, we can be their parents...not just being peripheral in their lives, but involved. Turn off the electronics...see the children, hear them, interact with them, know them. Contribute half their toys and games to the less fortunate and give them a book, teach them to exercise their imagination, see what the world has to offer together. Get out from in front of the television and back to the dinner table as a family. Limit the television to one per household and decide as a family what shows will be watched...or use a recorder. Limit the computer online time not only for them, but for ourselves. Limit what we buy for them each day so that they too have something to look forward to with excitement and expectation.

My siblings and I laugh at our childhood toys and the memories we have of using our imagination to create entertainment. Most of our tv time centered around cartoons and we didn't have games to bury our heads in. I had the best of it all because I was an avid reader so that even if the other four were bored, I was content and would read the same books over and over again or simply take a walk into the woods and make up my own fantasy worlds.

Despite my rant, I'll be sitting here creating a list which will add another useless toy or gadget to someone's household. My bank account will contain much less by the holiday and I will spend the next year recuperating financially just for it to come around again. I do have a choice in what I purchase, however, so this list will take a great deal of thought. Maybe I can come up with something not so useless after all. By the way, regardless of the impression I give here, Christmas is still the best time of the year.

I wish you all a safe and carefree shopping season. And, for those of my friends who don't celebrate Christmas, I wish for you all the patience in the world with putting up with the shopping frenzy.

A-tisket, a-tasket

I was looking at a basket of items today which some people would probably wonder why I don't discard them as junk and yet I hold on to them as I do many other items safely tucked away. I think we all do that to some degree; hold on to treasured memories via some inanimate and otherwise useless object whether it be a dried flower, a ragged old book, a slip of paper with nothing but a drawing upon it, etc. These items mean absolutely nothing to anyone but the one who possesses it. As the saying goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure. " It's why our space is our space. What's in it is often meaningless to anyone but us and heaven forbid anyone disturb it or throw something away!

When my daughter was small, I found an old metal trunk which I and my sister painted and lined with floral paper just for her items. Into it went her baby items and everything I treasured through the years. Finally, when she was in the fourth grade and realizing I'd kept every single piece of paper she'd ever brought home from school, I opened the trunk to minimize the clutter and began a reminiscing odyssey. What should have taken no more than at least an hour took several days with me going back and forth between other responsibilities. Organizing and tidying each item brought with it its own memory and I'd linger over them one by one. Through further years, she'd often place her own items in the trunk as well and many others I salvaged from the trash where she'd thrown them, believing that the memory would one day be a fond one even if it wasn't at the present time. I've no idea what all eventually went into that trunk. Needless to say, I had to do the same with her clothing for I could never part with a single item through those first years. Everything about the childrens' lives is so precious that you hate to lose even the smallest part of it.

For my son, I found an old wooden two-drawer chest though I've no idea what it once may have been a part of. Into it went his items though by this time I'd learned that keeping every single thing was unnecessary. I think most parents would agree that parenting becomes much easier with each successive child...barring their different personality quirks. It's why the youngest is most often the more spoiled of the brood because we parents find the experience less frightening and intense by that time. We've learned to relax and not see everything as one big deal.
As for myself, I've containers of all shapes and sizes which hold the things I hold more dear than any material possessions otherwise. Some items are nature's perfection found by curious eyes and hands, some are of child-made perfection, some store-bought gifts only a mother could appreciate and yet all given with the spirit of pure love. These are the things I consider priceless.

So tonight I'm sitting here thinking of a little red-headed toddler who seldom left my side and, if he did, never went beyond the comfort zone of where he could still hear my voice or my movements as I went about household chores. I think of the number of people who insisted on turning his pacifier upside-down just to watch him flip it over with his tongue and the last day he ever took an afternoon nap following Santa's thievery of that same pacifier. I think of the little fellow who brought me countless treasures which he found fascinating trusting that I would too. I see still the joy on his face as he brought flowers from behind his back and the love which never failed to grip my heart regardless of how many wilted stems were counted through the years...even when I'd taken pains to grow those blooms. I think of how simple it was to comfort him with kisses and hugs whether it was a scrape from a fall or an ugly word from a friend which hurt him. Even now he'll walk into the house, offer me an appendage and command that I kiss the offending wound...and I still will while laughing at his audacity. Onto kindergarten my thoughts travel where, unaccustomed to being with other children and no longer napping, he refused to be still and quiet especially during naptime despite the teacher's direction. I'll always remember the hopeful look on his face when I arrived at shcool one day and the disappointed look I left him with once I'd talked with his teacher. His rescuer betrayed him to another authority and spent the rest of the day crying her eyes out literally. I'm not sure which of us the transition from mama's boy to schoolboy was more difficult for but for his first show and tell he requested that his grandfather bring his bulldozer and afterwards they could just push the school down.

Oh well, memory lane is paved with many joys and triumphs as well as trials and errors but it's a lane I walk often and lovingly. There are many different kinds of parents in the world and we all do things our own way and somehow our children survive and thrive with us or despite us. Never do we know if our decisions will be the right ones, if our efforts will encourage them, or our values be adopted by them but we can only do our best and hope.

Affected thought

It is within out ability to make the world a better place. It is within our power to alter the status quo. It is within out ability to create an alternate view of reality. It is within our ability to dispel the confusion. It is within us.

The world is an enormous place and these days we tend to think on global terms and allow the larger issues over which we have no immediate control to consume our thoughts while those issues over which we have definite control are minimized in importance. While wandering through the 360 network of Yahoo, I saw a quote regarding it taking a village to raise a child and it made me stop and think. (this is no reflection on the person's own thought, just where the quote took me) Perhaps it doesn't take a village to raise a child, but that village does impact the raising of a child and how he will go forth into the world. I thought to myself, how very important it is in which village we choose to reside or how we let the village influence us. For most of us, we ourselves are born into a place and, unless our families opt otherwise, we will grow there and sometimes die there. From the small isolated tribes in the world to the largest metropolitan areas, what we are exposed to has the ability to influence the persons we become unless we limit our exposure to it or determine who we want to be and refuse to allow the influences to affect us. Unfortunately, most people are not so intimate with themselves that they really know who they want to be until they've gone through the trial and error called life.

I have been raised in a small, rural southern United States town located in the Bible belt emerging still from a history of State secession and racial inequality. I have raised children here and they and I may or may not die here. That remains to be seen. However, it has crossed my mind more so in the last year than at any other time how they or I might be any different from who we are had we been born elsewhere. It is those who sire and raise us who are our first line of defense against the world and we as children accept their ways as our own. We either retain these ways or over time we find something better suited to what we need for ourselves and discard that which we find encumbering or distasteful. After this first line, comes the extended family and immediate neighbors who will assist in shaping our thoughts and expectations of the world. Following that will be the village with all it's schools, laws, and culture (or lack of). Regardless of its inclusion into a larger county, country or global community, this is a world unto itself where little changes until you cross it's defined borders. Once you've done so, the opportunity to be exposed to something different awaits you. Without having the desire to look beyond what is familiar, you limit yourself to the person shaped by those immediate to you. Regardless of the size of your village, you might as well be raised in one of the remaining isolated communities which still exist within the world and whose inhabitants have moved no closer into the 21st century than the generations before them. They know nothing beyond what they are familiar and are content because of this. Few of us are isolated to that extent and thanks to television, books, etc., we have a window into the larger community and yet for many the opinions and feelings regarding issues seldom vary from what was encouraged by those within their immediate area. We are not immune to the influences, but it is within us to decide our own way.

The global situation involves us all regardless of our location. Regardless of the size of the world we inhabit or the place we call our own, it is made up of individuals. Change will not occur overall until we take it back into the areas where we have a chance of affecting that change. Beyond the world, beyond the country, beyond the village, and even beyond the family, we must take it back to where it begins...within ourselves. When it comes down to it, the only thing we're in control of is ourselves and we must desire a better way and let it begin with us. If peace is desired, then a peaceful way must be our own. Can one person make a difference? Each person you come across has a chance of influencing your thoughts and feelings, why not you them? One altered thought or action within your own control, affects not only your life but those connected to it. This in turn has the opportunity of changing their lives, and so forth. It is called the "ripple affect" but someone must cause the ripple to begin.

Capital character

Downtown in the capital on Sunday is akin to a ghost town but as soon as I stepped out of the car with camera in hand I was hailed by a passing gentleman who insisted on giving me a grand tour of the capitol building. He walked up just as I was taking the first photo and struck up a conversation with me, asked if I had a cigarette, and commenced to explaining where to find a little known treasure there on the grounds. He said he'd found it once while taking a shortcut across the lawn and he'd like to show it to me.

A born tour guide with incessant conversation, he introduced himself as Nicholas, better known as Detroit. He told me he'd lived many places, including France, and impressed me with his delivery of the native language while explaining his trek from his original home in Michigan. "Why Mississippi?", I asked him and thus I received an explanation of this state being the place to be if you were black. His take on it was that with the history of racism and the programs now available to young black men, there was no better place to be and yet the young MF's were turning their backs on opportunity (this being said as he imitated the youth by turning his hat backwards and giving a disdainful turn of his chin) and he just didn't understand it.

While walking to his secluded treasure, he asked me to guess his age. Being polite, I underestimated slightly by saying 52. He told me that he was 62 and proceeded to stand on his head with his feet straight in the air and thanked God for his blessings even before he stood upright again. Impressed yet again! I can't do that; never could, regardless of age. Finally, we reach his treasure and below you'll find photos of this object as well as of Nicholas. What I'd intended to be a few minute stop due to the dying light, turned out to be an hour tour thanks to him. He guided me to the Veteran's memorial and kept up a running dialogue as we made it around the capitol building.

I'm not sure where Nicholas came from out of the darkened city streets or where he was returning to. While I'd seen a couple of homeless individuals just before he arrived, I didn't insult him by asking if he was one as well. He did tell me he was a painter by trade and named off individuals' names I'd recognize. He also told me he was very talented and that if I'd like to see it, there was a large mural painted by him on one of the buildings there. Because it was dark, I decided I'd return another day to search for it. I enjoyed my visit with Nicholas immensely and was humored by his bravado and sly reference to the tour only costing me a pack of cigarettes. At the end, as we were parting, we shook hands and I did pay him for the tour with the cash I had in my pocket. Though it was more than the cost of a pack of cigarettes, I'm not sure what he'll actually do with it. That's his business. The hour of conversation and fun with him was priceless.

Once back in the car and headed down the street, when we arrived at the intersection, Nicholas was in the middle of the crosswalk standing on his head again. While I was laughing at him, he told me he thought I might want another photo and turned to saunter down the street. I hope he's well and warm tonight.