Moving forward while looking back

I wrote this blog entry almost a year ago now elsewhere and I ran across it today. Reading it gives me an appreciation for journals which many people keep. It's strange at times to read your own prior thoughts and be able to gauge how different the intervening time has been, if at all.

Since the writing, my life has had several unexpected upheavals and I've looked back wondering what I might have done to precipitate the situations. I laugh now at the "reverberations unexpected" but it's mingled with a groan. My forward momentum seems to have lagged but my focus is still ahead. I refuse to throw in the towel.

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Becoming

As a new part of my self-discipline I should be in bed so that work is not any more stressful tomorrow than it already is but my mind was not at rest and so here I am.

A friend described me as "moving forward" and that would be an apt description. Life is about moving forward. No-one wants to remain stagnant in any area of life although sometimes life dictates that we remain in place or else we might choose to due to some catalyst or another. The familiar nuances of life comfort us and sustain us but they don't always bring us total satisfaction with life because we strive for more...as it should be.

Perfection is an unattainable goal for it depends on the onlooker's opinion of perfection as to whether or not it has been achieved. A way to make improvements can always be found by the onlooker for that person will attribute their own personal requirements to the mix. It's always best to achieve your own idea of perfection or your own level of satisfaction with something instead of relying on the opinion of others for only you know what you need to feel that you've achieved your best or done the best for yourself. The opinions of others have value in that they do give you another way to look at things; a new perspective, but you still must come to your own conclusions and follow what's right for yourself. I've heard it said when looking at another's life, "He's got the perfect life." and have wondered if the person being viewed feels the same. Our perception of another's life is one-dimensional for we've no idea what is beyond what we can see and how much that person may desire to escape what he's familiar with. We can all agree, most likely, that nothing and no-one is perfect, but it gives us something to strive for.
I thought I'd changed a lot in the last year but that's too broad a statement to make regarding the facets of myself that have become more prominent. I haven't changed, per se, as much as revealed what always existed. What has changed is not myself but instead the act of hiding facets from others and even from myself that has. Was I always conscious of these facets? No. I'd denied them to a point to where I didn't recognize them and with the revealing of them was thrown into confusion. There was fear of them and an attempt to deny them consciously as well as remain with what was safe and familiar. Why would I desire to do this? Because of the fear of rejection by family, friends, and even simple acquaintances. Most people have a desire to be accepted and conform in small and large ways to fit into whatever niche they identify as their own, the one assigned to them and familiar, or one they strive to be a part of. When a person can stand on his own two feet confident in himself and is willing to risk rejection on any scale, he's much more liberated and able to be happy than ever possible before because life becomes based on what he wants and not the wants, expectations, or desires of others.

Unfortunately, it's been both a simple and a difficult process. I've gone through many doubts and tears. I've vacillated between holding on to what my heart cried out for even as another part of me cried out for life to be based on a better me. For those in my life from whom I feared the greatest opposition, I've found surprising acceptance and support; albeit a little fear on their part. For those I thought would support me and have patience even though they might not understand, I've found a surprising distance created. You can never know what effects your changes will create in others and you have no control over that and so you must continue forward even when it hurts and leave others to make their own decisions. You mourn the relationships lost, you take comfort in those which adjust and remain, and you make new ones based on the person you've allowed yourself to become.

I've no great revelations to make regarding myself. I'm not coming out of the "proverbial" closet for I'm not a lesbian though it's been questioned often enough. Living a decade alone by choice has brought a lot of speculation regarding my character. That is of little importance for it's today that I live for and the hope of tomorrow. I don't worry about tomorrow though once I agonized over it; especially due to my children. Today is enough for me and I will let tomorrow take care of itself. That is one major change I made. Another is that I've stopped being a people pleaser. A friend once described me that way and I refused the attribute though it was very on-the-mark. In trying to be what everyone else expected, I failed to be myself. Now things are on my timetable, by my desire, or not at all. Somewhere in the equation, I exist and so I include my own wants instead of eliminating them. It's not that I have a desire to disappoint or anger people but they're accustomed to me being a certain way and are having to adjust to dealing with me differently. I've become very adamant about being myself and can be quite stubborn though I know that it's just the fear of giving into others which causes me to be so obstinate. I still have that desire to make others happy before myself and I have to stay on guard right now. Gradually, I'll be able to let go of that control for life will have facilitated the necessary adjustments in my own attitude as well as those close to me.

I've found that even the most minute change can create reverberations unexpected; some welcome and some not. I've learned the value of compromise instead of capitulation. I'm appreciating the difference in participating in life versus observing it. I'm not certain how my friends feel about the "new" me but they've enabled this change more so than anyone else simply by their interactions and confrontations with the person I was along the way and I do say along the way for this has been a gradual awakening which is far from over.