It's all based on you...an opinion

A friend has me thinking this morning so I decided to include here something I'd written for elsewhere. It is not directed as a message to anyone here.......it's just my thoughts which obviously I've visited before.
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We are our own motivation for all we do in life; that is inescapable. We can be coerced, manipulated, forced by others...but outside of these uncontrollable elements, most of what we do is because it's what we want to do. The only ones not slave to their finer emotions are those who are truly selfish at heart.

So you look at it this way (and this was my life-long scenario); you have parents who are highly demanding of your time; inconsiderate of your feelings; and alternately happy and morose; whatever, and you bow to their demands; you interrupt your life; you cancel out on plans; you hate it when they criticize you as only parents can do; you bite your tongue when they take you for granted....and all for what? Are you doing all of this for them? No. You're doing it because of yourself and what you expect of yourself and that which you deem acceptable as the person who is you. If you deny them, you feel guilt....avoid it. If you reproach them, you feel remorse....avoid this. If you turn your back on them, you feel less acceptable yourself. It all comes back to you. Blame them if you wish, but it's your own inability to define your life and control what transpires in it which is your undoing. We make our lives as easy as possible. We give in to the demands of others because it's simpler than going through the anger, the explanations, the excuses, just to end up resigned to decisions that were always within our control. But, tell me something. Are the relationships what we want them to be or just what they've evolved into; what we're comfortable with? Are we so afraid of losing what links us to them that we'll ignore our own wants and needs in deference to theirs?

Another scenario would be grown children you've raised and yet who never seem to make a life of their own. It is your right to your own life because you're only required to see them to adulthood and yet there you are stuck with the continued responsibility. Don't get me wrong. For some this is the answer to what they personally need. For others, it would be an unfair encumbrance.

The secret to any relationship is finding that balance of mutual respect, appreciation, acceptance and caring for the individuals we are and then creating something that works to the benefit of all. If it's not what we want it to be, it's up to us to make it better. Unless you have a relationship with yourself alone, the give and take with the other individual involved must be balanced or at least on par with what you're both agreeable to. It's never one person's fault for the failure of a relationship or for its success. It's never up to one person to make the relationship its best. There again, you can't control another person so, if it's not what you want it to be and you remain involved in it, it is by your own decision to do so and it once again comes back to you.

Because we can't read another person's thoughts or be in tune with their feelings, it is best to be true to our own and thus avoid the second-guessing and eventual disappointments and resentments that occur. If we convince ourselves that we do something for someone else and then they fail to be grateful or reciprocate in kind, we end up having negative feelings. If we accept our responsibility in all that we do and the fact that it's self-motivated, then we've no- one to blame but ourselves when the outcome is less than we'd hoped. We're not at the mercy of another to make us feel good inside. Our initial decision to act, though misdirected, can be evaluated for its error, altered, and then used with more awareness on a second attempt but only if we've acknowledged our own power in our lives.

If we do something nice for someone, if we make sacrifices, if we give to the beggar on the street......how much of this is unselfishly motivated? When you've done your deed, when you've walked away from the beggar.........it is what YOU feel inside that was the original catalyst for having acted. So, when we seek to blame another or we seek to give someone else credit, we must be honest with ourselves and look inside for our own measure of blame or worthiness. We must accept that we have a right to a measure of selfishness for only when we do will the relationships be truer, more refined, and lasting.

Love someone and immerse yourself in them, be there for them through the highs and lows, sacrifice to their needs, and it all comes back to you........because you see them as an extension of you (your other half, so to speak) and you treat them as you would treat yourself. When the person is not your mutual, it's impossible to reach that level of unselfishness required to make it a love of a lifetime.

I've a new friend whom I admire more each day for her ability to do exactly this. She is not a self-centered person and yet she's found that balance of selflessness and selfishness which enables her to be true to herself and promotes the ability to be genuine with others. She has no hesitation in saying no to her loved ones when it is detrimental to her and she carries no guilt for having done so. They know their boundaries and respect them and this enables them to interact honestly with one another without a lot of useless ill will which can accompany a relationship when the individual wants and needs attempt to override those of another.

If you take away everyone on the earth but for yourself, you've no-one to look toward for your happiness or self-worth, no-one to blame or accuse. It's all about you. If you're not happy with life as you know it, it's up to you and only you to make it change. Don't look to others for the answers because chances are they won't have them........because they're not you. So, I guess the key is to know who you are and to then be true to that person.

This, of course, is my opinion. Many of you may disagree. I didn't have this belief for most of my life and I was content to blame my unhappiness on others and also wait for others to make my life what I wanted it to be. I've done nothing more than observe life and my part in it to get to this point, so perhaps my view is a little askew. Could be. However, it works for me and it's also the way in which I'm going towards the next phase of my life. I've no doubts I'll be a more content individual. Everything is up to me; every decision or lack of; every direction I take or avoid; every moment shared with another or solitude.............I'm the conductor, I'm the driver, I'm the pilot........it goes only where I steer.