Random thoughts of an evening

One creator you all agree but the unity stops there.
Different laws govern all as if the one omnipotent being
couldn't make up his mind on how things should be run.
He gave you strength through reasoning and
frailty through questions unanswered; faith
to bolster you and choices to test that faith;
differences to confound you; sameness
to allow you to question those differences.

Actions are defined by belief. Who is right?

As the end approaches and you cry out
to your god, who do you think he will attend?
Do you think the divisions created outside
his realm will stand? Will you be praised or
condemned for basing your existence on
your version of what shall remain a mystery
to you all? Will you be forgiven for refusing to
discern his divine truth from man's truth
altered throughout the ages? Will he understand
acts performed in his name where you did
not first remove your own selfish motivations?
~

The distance, no longer today than yesterday,
seems as endless as the untouchable horizon
and yet you are there and I am here, our bodies
anchored, our thoughts free to traverse the divide,
our emotions encouraged by memories shared.

Moments missed
Moments unshared
Moments irretrievable

Is it enough? How long will it be enough?
~

Actions and reactions, what good do they do?
Chaos reigns and madness remains.
Anger unresolved, hatred allowed to grow,
seething hurt churns within until compelled to show.
Society's vicitms. America's lost.
~

Two strangers.
One heart.

Threshold of a beginning.
~

What is real?
What is imagined?
Do we feel because it's
what we want to feel?
Are our emotions
superimposed by our
desire, our need?
Does our imagining them
make them real?
~

Expletives designed to emphasize
a point or an emotion were not meant
to encompass a person's entire vocabulary.
It makes you so very uninteresting.
~

Scavengers
unwanted, unexpected
hidden from view
revealed suddenly
by the destruction
of their seclusion.

Intruders
into my repast
and on into my
subconscious where
they will again hide
from view only to
be revealed by whatever
catalyst awakens
the memory.

Nauseators
which cause my
stomach to churn
and bile to rise
in rejection of the
meal shared with them;
their entryway into
cellophane unnoticed
until too late.

Scurriers
emerging from their
edible lodge
fearing my presence
even as I desire
to avoid theirs.
Would that we had
never had opportunity
to become aware of
one another's existence.
~

What he doesn't say
rebounds through the
silent apartment.
What he doesn't say
knocks at the recesses
of his mind seeking release.
What he doesn't say
creates mystery, distance,
an open door.

She turns and walks through it.

~

She led them away from her young;
sacrificing her life for their own.

That is a mother.

~
CNRR
The day's pace dictates
that I avoid you.
Your unexpected arrival
disturbs the flow.
My thoughts center
now that you hold me.
The cacophony muted
by unseen barriers.

Neither coincidence,
nor deja vu.
Other human hands
have known you.
Their expressions left
as marks upon you.
Some of which
I recognize.

You are familiar
to me.

Your journeys
along the peripheral
of my existence
leave me yearning
to go with you.

~

Hesitantly ascending the incline

Closer, ever closer the apex approaches.

Anticipation simmers and the yearning builds;

breathing deepens becoming as erratic as the

heart.

You brace yourself, holding on.

Wanting, but afraid to let go.

`

Reaching the peak,

Paused on the brink of infinity,

Seeing beyond expectations,

teetering on top of the world,

All thought suspended and senses attuned,

Your contentment awakens

`

In an infinitesimal moment when

your heart stills its beating

breath catches in your throat

body tenses and holds

and realization of the

impending

uncertain

free-falling

descent

hits you.

`

You accept and let go.

Overwhelmed by sensations, you want to stay,

savor the moment, the experience,

and allow yourself time to mold

the memory into a lasting testament to

your ability to overcome fear and live.

`

Back down to earth,

your breathing resumes, heart steadies its rhythm

and you're infused with the warm rush

of life's sustaining fluid and embrace the

moment,

the one you're with, and become

enveloped in consummate satisfaction.

`

Roller coasters are an experience!

Inane Rambling

Truth is like the stars; it does not appear except from behind obscurity of the night. Truth is like all beautiful things in the world; it does not disclose its desirability except to those who first feel the influence of falsehood. Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness.
..
Kahlil Gibran


I wonder what the world would be like if everyone communicated with the open and honest attitude of children. It makes me think of that movie with Jim Carey (?) where he cannot tell a lie. Certainly it makes for some awkward moments, some hilarious situations you'd probably rather avoid, but can you imagine everyone being totally frank with you? You'd always know where you stand with them, wouldn't you? No questions, no miscommunications, no doubts to plague you.

Instead, as we develop sensitivities and defenses, we tend to sidestep brutal honesty in deference to diplomacy and tact. We don't want to hurt one anothers' feelings, we fear we'll alienate those we need or want, we're afraid perhaps of receiving the same honesty in return and what that will mean to us as individuals, or total honesty upsets our own personal agendas.

What I'm talking about as childish communication is doing so without barriers; fearless communication. They say what comes to mind and they haven't learned to be afraid to speak their minds regardless of what immediate emotion or thought has control of them. They aren't caught up in fear of rejection for the little beggars are totally self-oriented. If they don't like something, you can bet you're going to learn about it, usually very audibly.

If you think I'm a bitch, tell me I'm a bitch. Sure, it may bother me but you've just opened an opportunity for real communication if I take the opening you've given me. I might ask you to explain why you think my actions qualify me as bitchy and then I might give you my take on situations which have led me to the current mood or action which dictates that I'm being what you say I am. We might get the chance to clear the air on many misconceptions or misunderstandings and then we might not speak to one another again for a few days. We might learn things about one another that we'd never have discovered otherwise because strong emotions will reveal much if you'll let them. Who knows? The point is that we communicated and we did so without barriers we'd normally erect for our protection or in the name of diplomacy.

How often have you left the presence of someone with less than perfect feelings about something or an uncertainty niggling at your mind or emotions? Why not just stop, force the truth and know where you stand? Why not push the issue which might be leaving you both with wrong impressions which will cause distance, lack of trust and respect, or a total dissolution of the relationship? What are we the most afraid of; their honesty or the effect our own will have?

Tell me where the hell I stand. It's preferable. If I don't like where I'm standing, I can always opt to stand elsewhere. I hate games. I hate manipulations. I hate having to cater to people when honesty would serve a worthier purpose.

Yes, I'm guilty of having done exactly what I say I hate but I try not to do so any more. Every relationship, regardless of the type, requires communication but what's the point if it's not open and honest? So, for those whose more delicate feelings I may tromp, I apologize in advance. I'm not afraid to communicate and I'm able to handle your criticism and your opinions. If you think I'm wrong, call me on it. I'm capable of being brutally honest with myself about myself if you'll dare to point things out. If not, then don't make me accountable for your tender feelings, please, and don't just label me without giving us both the opportunity of understanding one another better.

Isn't science amazing?

I was reading this morning on the new developments in stem cell research (derived from skin cells) and, though the hoped for results are yet to be determined, it proves what humans can do in spite of, or due to, ethical and political issues. When the issue first presented itself and since then, so much debate and lobbying has occurred to allow the use of embryonic tissue for the purpose feeling it an urgent necessity. Ethical issues prevented the conservative Americans from favoring such practice although they recognized the significance of such study. Research was stymied due to lack of funding and support. In the meantime, other countries (ex., Britain, Iran, Japan, Australia) not so inhibited continued in the search for breakthroughs with necessary funding and American scientists have collaborated. All countries face such ethical guidelines though America’s often seem to have a more stringent effect on opportunity for advancement in the field. Despite all the political issues surrounding the research, scientist have managed to circumvent the most arguable issue, embryonic tissue, and have found other avenues to reach that ultimate goal of manipulating human cells to do and become what they wish them to.

Where will it take us? Will the need for transplanted organs one day be a thing of the past? Will degenerative disease cease to be a medical burden? Will the world’s population become a burden itself as people no longer face early demise? There again, as we unlock the mysteries to age-old and current illnesses and human frailties, new ones arise to give us pause for concern and the need for able minds, funded labs, and societal and federal support never wanes. There again is my original thought...It seemed a roadblock to success was being put into place by the ethical arguments against the method of harvesting cells for the research. Even as the political heat, lobbyists cries, and personal debates ensued, scientist discovered a new approach and they did so because we challenged them, because we blocked them, or perhaps a little of both. Would other methods have been sought had they been granted all the embryonic cells they required? What benefits and discoveries might occur for having to utilize more difficult methods of extraction?

Heart & Mind

After talking with a friend who has faced many relationship disappointments...

I was sitting here thinking about the heart's capacity to love. I guess that could be said for any emotion but I was pondering love and not an alter emotion at the moment. A parent's capacity to love one or a dozen children uniquely and at the same time equally. A person's generosity in loving friends who disappoint him again and again. An achiever's ability to love each accomplished goal as if it's his first, whether a chef with a new creation or a rock climber reaching new heights. A lover well past his prime finding love again after so many completed relationships.

It's amazing to me that the heart has the ability to let go and continue on with anticipation of something new. Perhaps this can't be said about those individuals who allow themselves to become embittered and closed off to emotion. Life evolves and we're created to evolve along with it. It's our own selfish intentions which stymie the process.

Not everyone can remember all the people they've been intimate with but I'm sure they can all name those who've touched their hearts whether romantically or in some other way. Those able to make us feel the finer emotions become part of us and we can never separate ourselves from them and the influence, regardless of how significant, they've had on our psyche. Certainly, there are some I'd like to eradicate from my own but, then again, would I? Who I am today is in some measure due to their presence in my life. Connections, whatever the duration, are never broken completely for those persons' lives touched ours and we're forever changed.

Maybe I'm wrong about that. If I were to lose my memory and all thought, conscious and subconscious, of that person and times shared, I'd have no emotions connected, would I? The mind and heart do not operate without one another and are perfectly synchronized normally. Of course, it would take something traumatic to cause a complete loss of memory. I hear hypnosis could erase unwanted memories or alter my response to them.

Ah well, I guess I'm pretty matter-of-fact about love, in the romantic sense. I logically recognize that the heart does not actually break though it sometimes feels as if it must. I know that the healing process is indeterminable and different depending on the depth of emotional attachment. But I also know that the heart's capacity is not limited and that it does not always follow logic. It cannot discern the varying qualities which bring love to us. It's just the recipient of the brain's suggestions based on so many criteria put into place by genetics and life experiences. Though our minds gather the positives and negatives of a person, the heart determines how they're balanced. We sometimes ask ourselves, or others ask it when they witness us, how we can love the ones we do. Obviously there's a connection we value on some level or we'd not end up in the relationships we do.

One thing is inescapable...love does go on, love is possible, love is plentiful if we remain open to it and can endure the disappointments and heartaches which ensue when it's taken from us.

Strong Women

Strong Women

Strong women are those who know the road ahead will be strewn with obstacles, but they still choose to walk it because it's the right one for them.

Strong women are those who make mistakes, who admit to them, learn from those failures, and then use that knowledge.

Strong women are easily hurt, but they still extend their hearts and hands, knowing the risk and accepting the pain when it comes.

Strong women are sometimes beat down by life, but they still stand back up and step forward again.

Strong women are afraid. They face fear and move ahead to the future, as uncertain as it can be.

Strong women are not those who succeed the first time. They're the ones who fail time and again, but still keep trying until they succeed.

Strong women face the daily trials of life, sometimes with a tear, but always with their heads held high as the new day dawns.

~ Brenda Hager

Moving forward while looking back

I wrote this blog entry almost a year ago now elsewhere and I ran across it today. Reading it gives me an appreciation for journals which many people keep. It's strange at times to read your own prior thoughts and be able to gauge how different the intervening time has been, if at all.

Since the writing, my life has had several unexpected upheavals and I've looked back wondering what I might have done to precipitate the situations. I laugh now at the "reverberations unexpected" but it's mingled with a groan. My forward momentum seems to have lagged but my focus is still ahead. I refuse to throw in the towel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Becoming

As a new part of my self-discipline I should be in bed so that work is not any more stressful tomorrow than it already is but my mind was not at rest and so here I am.

A friend described me as "moving forward" and that would be an apt description. Life is about moving forward. No-one wants to remain stagnant in any area of life although sometimes life dictates that we remain in place or else we might choose to due to some catalyst or another. The familiar nuances of life comfort us and sustain us but they don't always bring us total satisfaction with life because we strive for more...as it should be.

Perfection is an unattainable goal for it depends on the onlooker's opinion of perfection as to whether or not it has been achieved. A way to make improvements can always be found by the onlooker for that person will attribute their own personal requirements to the mix. It's always best to achieve your own idea of perfection or your own level of satisfaction with something instead of relying on the opinion of others for only you know what you need to feel that you've achieved your best or done the best for yourself. The opinions of others have value in that they do give you another way to look at things; a new perspective, but you still must come to your own conclusions and follow what's right for yourself. I've heard it said when looking at another's life, "He's got the perfect life." and have wondered if the person being viewed feels the same. Our perception of another's life is one-dimensional for we've no idea what is beyond what we can see and how much that person may desire to escape what he's familiar with. We can all agree, most likely, that nothing and no-one is perfect, but it gives us something to strive for.
I thought I'd changed a lot in the last year but that's too broad a statement to make regarding the facets of myself that have become more prominent. I haven't changed, per se, as much as revealed what always existed. What has changed is not myself but instead the act of hiding facets from others and even from myself that has. Was I always conscious of these facets? No. I'd denied them to a point to where I didn't recognize them and with the revealing of them was thrown into confusion. There was fear of them and an attempt to deny them consciously as well as remain with what was safe and familiar. Why would I desire to do this? Because of the fear of rejection by family, friends, and even simple acquaintances. Most people have a desire to be accepted and conform in small and large ways to fit into whatever niche they identify as their own, the one assigned to them and familiar, or one they strive to be a part of. When a person can stand on his own two feet confident in himself and is willing to risk rejection on any scale, he's much more liberated and able to be happy than ever possible before because life becomes based on what he wants and not the wants, expectations, or desires of others.

Unfortunately, it's been both a simple and a difficult process. I've gone through many doubts and tears. I've vacillated between holding on to what my heart cried out for even as another part of me cried out for life to be based on a better me. For those in my life from whom I feared the greatest opposition, I've found surprising acceptance and support; albeit a little fear on their part. For those I thought would support me and have patience even though they might not understand, I've found a surprising distance created. You can never know what effects your changes will create in others and you have no control over that and so you must continue forward even when it hurts and leave others to make their own decisions. You mourn the relationships lost, you take comfort in those which adjust and remain, and you make new ones based on the person you've allowed yourself to become.

I've no great revelations to make regarding myself. I'm not coming out of the "proverbial" closet for I'm not a lesbian though it's been questioned often enough. Living a decade alone by choice has brought a lot of speculation regarding my character. That is of little importance for it's today that I live for and the hope of tomorrow. I don't worry about tomorrow though once I agonized over it; especially due to my children. Today is enough for me and I will let tomorrow take care of itself. That is one major change I made. Another is that I've stopped being a people pleaser. A friend once described me that way and I refused the attribute though it was very on-the-mark. In trying to be what everyone else expected, I failed to be myself. Now things are on my timetable, by my desire, or not at all. Somewhere in the equation, I exist and so I include my own wants instead of eliminating them. It's not that I have a desire to disappoint or anger people but they're accustomed to me being a certain way and are having to adjust to dealing with me differently. I've become very adamant about being myself and can be quite stubborn though I know that it's just the fear of giving into others which causes me to be so obstinate. I still have that desire to make others happy before myself and I have to stay on guard right now. Gradually, I'll be able to let go of that control for life will have facilitated the necessary adjustments in my own attitude as well as those close to me.

I've found that even the most minute change can create reverberations unexpected; some welcome and some not. I've learned the value of compromise instead of capitulation. I'm appreciating the difference in participating in life versus observing it. I'm not certain how my friends feel about the "new" me but they've enabled this change more so than anyone else simply by their interactions and confrontations with the person I was along the way and I do say along the way for this has been a gradual awakening which is far from over.

Recommended reading

Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace . . . One School at a Time (Paperback) (I read this one) One Man's Mission to Fight Terrorism and Build Nations...One School at a Time (Hardback)
by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin.

This is a non-fiction story based on Mortenson's own journey as a simple mountaineer and humanitarian. After failing to reach the summit of Pakistan's K2, the world's second tallest mountain, and being ill and disoriented, he wandered into a village and the time spent there would change the course of his life. Dedicated to returning to Pakistan to build a school for this one community, his personal sacrifices included living out of his vehicle to facing the dangers of a war-torn country. What started with a desire to give back to those who'd helped him, grew into an organization which has educated children, empowered women, and trained fathers with lifeskills which together enable the communities to thrive. With a desire but no knowledge of how to go about even the first step towards his goal, he persevered and learned as he went. As an American, he represents the best of us to a world foreign to us.

What I believe I was left with more than anything else was the evidence of what one person truly can do when that person actually acts upon the thought that so many of us have. We all see ways in which we think the world or life itself can be improved and most often the thought of doing something is fleeting or easily put aside due to daily responsibilities and routines. I suppose that it's when something touches us individually to a point that we can't ignore that thought or it imbeds itself into our waking moments and heart that we move beyond our routines to take action.

The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini

A novel set in Afghanistan, it involves the story of the intertwined lives of two boys of different tribes and social ranks who grew up together but parted due to one's betrayal of the other. Though the family of one boy eventually escapes the politically torn county by immigrating to America, the distance which lay between them had nothing to do with geography. Despite their differences, love bound them to one another and would eventually bring them back together in an unexpected way.

I bought this book one afternoon when I had time to kill. While I read the first few chapters right away, I put the book aside until later in the evening when I was able to relax. Having planned to go to bed early, I was surprised when it became 10:30 without my notice. Needless to say, I was so caught up in the story unfolding before me that I couldn't put the book down and finished it at midnight.

I've thought about the story today, not so much the story itself as the thoughts it's generated...what we do to ourselves as we grow for ourselves and those around us, especially our parents; our perceptions, our needs and what we'll do to fulfill them define us and shape us. Often, tough decisions are required and we're not up to the challenge and we're left with a lifetime of guilt or regret and sometimes, just sometimes, we're offered the opportunities to right wrongs which hold us in place.

Beyond the stories within each cover, when you're able to see a foreign land through the eyes of someone native to it, your perspective is changed forever. That is one extra gift given by both authors.

Less desirable trait

I'm sitting here thinking about one aspect of my personality which gets me into trouble at times. It's quite aggravating and perhaps it is a problem at times but it shouldn't ever become a large problem, I wouldn't think. Hmmn.

Anyway, I'm thinking out loud, so to speak, and this may ramble without seeming direction.
I make decisions every day, some minor and some major, both personally and professionally. Some decisions come quickly and some I will deliberate depending on how important I think the need is. I tend to stand behind my decisions so it's necessary to do so.

Considering that I've been making decisions involving myself and others for as long as I can remember, I definitely know I have no hesitation in taking control. If no-one will make a decision, I can and will make one for all and won't hesitate to give them grief for their own lack of decisiveness if they gripe about what I dictate.

However, when it comes to things on a personal level involving myself and friends, I will often defer to others. Don't get me wrong, if I feel strongly about something one way or another, I will voice my own opinion or go my own way. But, when it comes to less than siginficant matters, such as where to eat, what pub to go to, or whatever, I have no problem taking back seat. So, I'm asking myself now why that is.

If I'm on familiar turf, I can assist in a decision. If in strange territory and still feeling my way, I'll defer, as I said, because it seems less taxing and I'm open to new experiences. Now, if I get somewhere I don't enjoy or have a bad experience, I'm becoming more familiar and know to speak my opinion the next time that place is suggested. The same goes if the experience is favorable. Many times I defer simply because I don't feel strongly one way or another and sometimes I just don't have a preference and anything is an option. I think this has a tendency to drive some people to distraction.

Maybe also, it's because I'm thinking that if I don't have a definite preference, it's possible the other person will. If he/she does not voice their own preference, we stall out waiting on one another.

There's another aspect to it all that makes sense to me but does not necessarily transfer to another's understanding. Because I take life too seriously most of the time and because I am forced daily to make decisions, sometimes it's just plain nice to leave lesser matters to someone else. It's nice to not have to make decisions and leave control in someone else's hands. Sometimes it's just nice to lean on someone else every once in a while.

So, put food in front of me and I will eat. Drive somewhere and I will enter and ask to leave if I determine it not to my taste. Or, if all else fails, give me limited options which tells me that your preference is included or that you've eliminated the places you don't want to go and the foods you're not interested in and I'll make my choice from the much preferable smaller list of options. Besides that, learn my preferences and many of the choices will not be questioned anyway.
I think another problem I present is that, instead of giving definite yes or no answers, I'll say something such as, "That sounds good." or, "That will be fine." Maybe the lack of a definite "Yes!" makes my answer seem dubious.

Okay, so another thought came to mind. Perhaps the ones getting aggravated face the same things as I and don't want to make decisions themselves. I'll have to ask that the next time this problem arises.

So, anyway, my problem isn't indecisiveness. I'd say it's more likely acquiescence. Now I'm pondering if that's the correct word for what I'm thinking. Oh well!

Momentary thought

You think you know yourself but, until you're faced with each new circumstance; each new situation, you really don't know which part of you will come to the fore to affect the decisions you make or influence the feelings you'll have. You can say that you'd do this or that but, in reality, each moment is unique with unlimited possibilities and reactions to it. What you do is dependent on so many variables and combinations thereof. If a particular scent causes you to recoil or linger, the time of day finds you energetic or lethargic, a blending of environmental colors soothes or incites you, increasing or decreasing decibels of sound cause you to cringe or turn your head to catch the slightest note...each moment is a composite that never can be repeated and will draw from you a possibly familiar reaction or possess the ability to create a new, unexpected reaction. It will, in itself, be unique determined by the combination of elements which occur within that moment. If you could freeze a moment and with keen awareness separate each element existing within it, there would be too many to list and yet we are affected by everything around us whether we're consciously aware of it or not.

Examining a reason for a decision made would involve the current moment, the moments that led up to the current one as well as the distant past and the future that exists within our minds, for we all have one envisioned. We all have expectations for the day, the month, the year ahead. We have expectations of what it will be even though we know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. We may see it as unchanging from what we know today; we may see it varying greatly, nevertheless we see it with our own personal expectations, dreams, and hopes. We are influenced by the future as much as we are by the past or present for it is in what we hope for ourselves that we determine our next move, action, decision...whatever...and yet it cannot be separated from the past or present. All time comes together in that one moment to influence what we do, how we react.

A person who has lived much a solitary life...not cultivating relationships by choice or circumstance...will feel comfortable with himself and feel that he has a strong personal knowledge of himself for he's spent little time outside of himself. He wouldn't be wrong for he'd know the person that life, environment, and habit has created. Introduce change to his existence, however, and he's faced with new thoughts, feelings, and reactions unfamiliar to him caused by new influences. The person he knew is now forced to encounter facets of himself which he never knew existed. Based on his assurance that he knows himself, he will argue constancy even as he changes and later will find himself surprised by a new self-awareness and will even have opportunity to eat the proverbial crow.

If you've ever heard the saying, "Never say never.", you might have already found it to be a very realistic warning. Everything up to this point may have given you a false sense of self-restraint because the variables have not caused you to act out of character, but life is ever-changing and continuously presenting you with unexpected variables which may cause you to do many things you'd never think possible. We do not exist separate from our environment and everything affects and influences who we are and what we do and this is forever evolving. While we may affirm an intimate knowledge of ourselves, it is only the persons we were yesterday and are in the current moment that we are familiar with. The next moment and beyond will further define who we are and will continue until that last moment of life determines exactly who we are, who we have become. Only when life can no longer affect us will the process of personal evolution cease. Only when we die do we cease to grow as only human beings can.

Take a middle-aged, solid, law-abiding citizen who's never had to feel the pangs of conscience due to having cheated, stolen, or lied. Take away everything he has in life and make him destitute and he will be forced to put aside that conscience at times in the name of survival. Take a poor young woman who'd never steal regardless of what she alone faced in life. Make her a one-income, poverty level mother with a sick child and not enough money for medicine and see which survives...her child or her personal values. Take the most selfish, self-serving, penny-pinching individual and introduce him to the right cause which touches him personally and watch him give tirelessly and generously. Never say never whether it's a positive or negative for you just never know what life will ask of you.

Human intelligence, emotion, and reasoning removes us from existing on instinct and habit alone. While each moment may not be within our control, we do have the ability to affect future ones by understanding what factor within each moment causes us to react as we do. It becomes a conscious choice. If something causes us to react in anger, identifying causes allows us to avoid them if we have a desire not to react similarly in the future. Another example is smoking. Certainly there is a nicotine addiction but more so there is a habit formed around that addiction which feeds it. What, more than anything else, causes you to reach for that cigarette? Of course, change requires aknowledgement that there is a need for change, a personal desire to be different from who life has made us thus far, and manipulation of successive moments to affect that desired change or variance from our comfortable norm.

How often do we feel so certain of what we want; of a particular path we've chosen, just to have life show us something different which affects how we feel and what we decide? We probably all know someone who pursued a certain dream just to determine after a lifetime that the dream wasn't what they really wanted or needed after all. The elusive dream is the one we don't recognize because we're too busy chasing what we think we want. We convince ourselves early on of what we believe we must accomplish or have and seldom veer from the pathway to it even as life is giving us indications of what it is we truly desire. Whether it is our own expectations we have for ourselves or others' expectations of us, we blind ourselves to how simple the pathway to happiness really is. Contentment is not found in plaques on the wall, initials behind our names, or material possessions. It is found within the human interaction we enjoy along the way; those people who share our journey. Unfortunately, most of us are too busy achieving or searching for that elusive dream to give credible time to those relationships so that they fall along the wayside. We're often left alone in the end or else we've formed empty relationships without meaning because those who really saw us, understood us, gave up hope of us ever really seeing them and opted to take an alternate path. We can find happiness anywhere if we adjust our expectations. As long as our immediate needs are taken care of, beyond that our happiness is determined by what exists within our own minds and hearts. There is nothing wrong with dreams, goals, aspirations unless they take the joy away from living the life you do have. It doesn't mean that you have to accept the status quo; it simply means that we, ourselves, take away the opportunity for contentment by focusing on what we don't have instead of appreciating what we do. (There are, of course, extreme situations for which this scenario is far too simple, such as an abusive relationship or homelessness.)

Changes ahead now averted

There are people who tell me I think too much. They also tell me that I take life too seriously. Despite the time contemplating and sometimes agonizing over decisions, I still am prone to making mistakes and even altering the course of my life. Within business, I make snap decisions easily but, when the decisions involve my personal life and the people I love, I consider them with deliberate calculation with each receiving time necessitated by the degree of seriousness. When pushed in making those decisions, I balk and retreat from the pressure applied by someone else. I have made decisions in the past based on someone else’s timetable simply because an answer was needed and those decisions often were regrettable but I stood by them nevertheless. There are no guarantees on the consequences of decisions made. You can never know if they will be positive or negative until you’ve made them and see the outcome. Unfortunately, I don’t always have awareness of all the variables necessary for the decision readily at hand but, given enough time, they will most often be revealed to me. Because I am as responsible for the consequences of those decisions as I am the decisions themselves and what led up to them, I want to be sure that they’re the best decisions I can make. I want to know that, right or wrong, I can stand behind the decision and accept full responsibility for the consequences. If this is seen as a measure of control, then it’s what it is, but I can only control myself and I’ll leave everyone else’s lives, actions, reactions, feelings, thoughts, etc. to them.

One negative aspect to my way of doing things is that those involved in my life don’t always accept it as it is, attributing something to the process that doesn’t exist such as thoughts or feelings I don’t possess. Thankfully, my children are aware of how I am and they’ve learned that to push for an answer or to try to influence my decision will disrupt and prolong the process, cause unnecessary confusion, and often give them the direct opposite of the desired answer they seek. They accept the way I am although they’ve had to learn patience in awaiting answers which they’d much rather have had quickly.

One positive aspect of it is that I can be comfortable with myself in the end. The results of the decisions made are not always what I’ve have them be but I can willingly stand firm whether applauding or defending myself.

The regrettable decisions are those I allowed myself to be pushed into and I often look back upon them wishing for a different outcome. However, nothing prior to the current moment can be altered; all you can do is to go forward and hope that subsequent decisions will alter the course of things and bring a better outcome in time.

And on to Christmas

On this day of Thanksgiving, I couldn't keep the thought of the next holiday from my thoughts. Perhaps it was because of the gathering of relatives en masse which in itself is unusual unless there's a funeral, holiday, or similar outstanding occasion. Of course my mind dwelled on those whose physical presence is sadly missing but it also went to all those present who would end up on my seemingly endless shopping list for Christmas. As the family grows, your list lengthens or you start eliminating the older in favor of the younger. Some families draw names but we gave even that up years ago. Parents are never removed from the individual lists but siblings fall by the wayside more often than not. What once was a time to look forward to with excitement and expectation, becomes a tireless trek through store after store in search of hopefully just the right gifts or eventually whatever your tired mind and body can amass. Hopefully, you manage to get it all done without losing all your good spirit.

What is it about today's time where children receive all year long whatever their little hearts desire? Is it because we're so blasted busy supporting them and earning the money that it's easiest to placate their needs with material possessions? Is it because we're so tired that sitting in front of a television, computer, or game each night is preferable to being involved with them and so it's okay if they vegetate in front of the television in imitation of us? I not too long ago stated to someone that it was due to the economic times and societal expectations which drove both parents to work thus leaving the children in the care of non-disciplinary relatives or whomever and creating a lost generation of kids. On second thought, however, I believe it goes deeper than that. It's not because both parents are forced to work that kids are directionless and willful these days. We can find them suitable care during our working hours, we can allow others who watch them some disciplinary license and, in our non-working hours, we can be their parents...not just being peripheral in their lives, but involved. Turn off the electronics...see the children, hear them, interact with them, know them. Contribute half their toys and games to the less fortunate and give them a book, teach them to exercise their imagination, see what the world has to offer together. Get out from in front of the television and back to the dinner table as a family. Limit the television to one per household and decide as a family what shows will be watched...or use a recorder. Limit the computer online time not only for them, but for ourselves. Limit what we buy for them each day so that they too have something to look forward to with excitement and expectation.

My siblings and I laugh at our childhood toys and the memories we have of using our imagination to create entertainment. Most of our tv time centered around cartoons and we didn't have games to bury our heads in. I had the best of it all because I was an avid reader so that even if the other four were bored, I was content and would read the same books over and over again or simply take a walk into the woods and make up my own fantasy worlds.

Despite my rant, I'll be sitting here creating a list which will add another useless toy or gadget to someone's household. My bank account will contain much less by the holiday and I will spend the next year recuperating financially just for it to come around again. I do have a choice in what I purchase, however, so this list will take a great deal of thought. Maybe I can come up with something not so useless after all. By the way, regardless of the impression I give here, Christmas is still the best time of the year.

I wish you all a safe and carefree shopping season. And, for those of my friends who don't celebrate Christmas, I wish for you all the patience in the world with putting up with the shopping frenzy.

A-tisket, a-tasket

I was looking at a basket of items today which some people would probably wonder why I don't discard them as junk and yet I hold on to them as I do many other items safely tucked away. I think we all do that to some degree; hold on to treasured memories via some inanimate and otherwise useless object whether it be a dried flower, a ragged old book, a slip of paper with nothing but a drawing upon it, etc. These items mean absolutely nothing to anyone but the one who possesses it. As the saying goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure. " It's why our space is our space. What's in it is often meaningless to anyone but us and heaven forbid anyone disturb it or throw something away!

When my daughter was small, I found an old metal trunk which I and my sister painted and lined with floral paper just for her items. Into it went her baby items and everything I treasured through the years. Finally, when she was in the fourth grade and realizing I'd kept every single piece of paper she'd ever brought home from school, I opened the trunk to minimize the clutter and began a reminiscing odyssey. What should have taken no more than at least an hour took several days with me going back and forth between other responsibilities. Organizing and tidying each item brought with it its own memory and I'd linger over them one by one. Through further years, she'd often place her own items in the trunk as well and many others I salvaged from the trash where she'd thrown them, believing that the memory would one day be a fond one even if it wasn't at the present time. I've no idea what all eventually went into that trunk. Needless to say, I had to do the same with her clothing for I could never part with a single item through those first years. Everything about the childrens' lives is so precious that you hate to lose even the smallest part of it.

For my son, I found an old wooden two-drawer chest though I've no idea what it once may have been a part of. Into it went his items though by this time I'd learned that keeping every single thing was unnecessary. I think most parents would agree that parenting becomes much easier with each successive child...barring their different personality quirks. It's why the youngest is most often the more spoiled of the brood because we parents find the experience less frightening and intense by that time. We've learned to relax and not see everything as one big deal.
As for myself, I've containers of all shapes and sizes which hold the things I hold more dear than any material possessions otherwise. Some items are nature's perfection found by curious eyes and hands, some are of child-made perfection, some store-bought gifts only a mother could appreciate and yet all given with the spirit of pure love. These are the things I consider priceless.

So tonight I'm sitting here thinking of a little red-headed toddler who seldom left my side and, if he did, never went beyond the comfort zone of where he could still hear my voice or my movements as I went about household chores. I think of the number of people who insisted on turning his pacifier upside-down just to watch him flip it over with his tongue and the last day he ever took an afternoon nap following Santa's thievery of that same pacifier. I think of the little fellow who brought me countless treasures which he found fascinating trusting that I would too. I see still the joy on his face as he brought flowers from behind his back and the love which never failed to grip my heart regardless of how many wilted stems were counted through the years...even when I'd taken pains to grow those blooms. I think of how simple it was to comfort him with kisses and hugs whether it was a scrape from a fall or an ugly word from a friend which hurt him. Even now he'll walk into the house, offer me an appendage and command that I kiss the offending wound...and I still will while laughing at his audacity. Onto kindergarten my thoughts travel where, unaccustomed to being with other children and no longer napping, he refused to be still and quiet especially during naptime despite the teacher's direction. I'll always remember the hopeful look on his face when I arrived at shcool one day and the disappointed look I left him with once I'd talked with his teacher. His rescuer betrayed him to another authority and spent the rest of the day crying her eyes out literally. I'm not sure which of us the transition from mama's boy to schoolboy was more difficult for but for his first show and tell he requested that his grandfather bring his bulldozer and afterwards they could just push the school down.

Oh well, memory lane is paved with many joys and triumphs as well as trials and errors but it's a lane I walk often and lovingly. There are many different kinds of parents in the world and we all do things our own way and somehow our children survive and thrive with us or despite us. Never do we know if our decisions will be the right ones, if our efforts will encourage them, or our values be adopted by them but we can only do our best and hope.

Affected thought

It is within out ability to make the world a better place. It is within our power to alter the status quo. It is within out ability to create an alternate view of reality. It is within our ability to dispel the confusion. It is within us.

The world is an enormous place and these days we tend to think on global terms and allow the larger issues over which we have no immediate control to consume our thoughts while those issues over which we have definite control are minimized in importance. While wandering through the 360 network of Yahoo, I saw a quote regarding it taking a village to raise a child and it made me stop and think. (this is no reflection on the person's own thought, just where the quote took me) Perhaps it doesn't take a village to raise a child, but that village does impact the raising of a child and how he will go forth into the world. I thought to myself, how very important it is in which village we choose to reside or how we let the village influence us. For most of us, we ourselves are born into a place and, unless our families opt otherwise, we will grow there and sometimes die there. From the small isolated tribes in the world to the largest metropolitan areas, what we are exposed to has the ability to influence the persons we become unless we limit our exposure to it or determine who we want to be and refuse to allow the influences to affect us. Unfortunately, most people are not so intimate with themselves that they really know who they want to be until they've gone through the trial and error called life.

I have been raised in a small, rural southern United States town located in the Bible belt emerging still from a history of State secession and racial inequality. I have raised children here and they and I may or may not die here. That remains to be seen. However, it has crossed my mind more so in the last year than at any other time how they or I might be any different from who we are had we been born elsewhere. It is those who sire and raise us who are our first line of defense against the world and we as children accept their ways as our own. We either retain these ways or over time we find something better suited to what we need for ourselves and discard that which we find encumbering or distasteful. After this first line, comes the extended family and immediate neighbors who will assist in shaping our thoughts and expectations of the world. Following that will be the village with all it's schools, laws, and culture (or lack of). Regardless of its inclusion into a larger county, country or global community, this is a world unto itself where little changes until you cross it's defined borders. Once you've done so, the opportunity to be exposed to something different awaits you. Without having the desire to look beyond what is familiar, you limit yourself to the person shaped by those immediate to you. Regardless of the size of your village, you might as well be raised in one of the remaining isolated communities which still exist within the world and whose inhabitants have moved no closer into the 21st century than the generations before them. They know nothing beyond what they are familiar and are content because of this. Few of us are isolated to that extent and thanks to television, books, etc., we have a window into the larger community and yet for many the opinions and feelings regarding issues seldom vary from what was encouraged by those within their immediate area. We are not immune to the influences, but it is within us to decide our own way.

The global situation involves us all regardless of our location. Regardless of the size of the world we inhabit or the place we call our own, it is made up of individuals. Change will not occur overall until we take it back into the areas where we have a chance of affecting that change. Beyond the world, beyond the country, beyond the village, and even beyond the family, we must take it back to where it begins...within ourselves. When it comes down to it, the only thing we're in control of is ourselves and we must desire a better way and let it begin with us. If peace is desired, then a peaceful way must be our own. Can one person make a difference? Each person you come across has a chance of influencing your thoughts and feelings, why not you them? One altered thought or action within your own control, affects not only your life but those connected to it. This in turn has the opportunity of changing their lives, and so forth. It is called the "ripple affect" but someone must cause the ripple to begin.

Capital character

Downtown in the capital on Sunday is akin to a ghost town but as soon as I stepped out of the car with camera in hand I was hailed by a passing gentleman who insisted on giving me a grand tour of the capitol building. He walked up just as I was taking the first photo and struck up a conversation with me, asked if I had a cigarette, and commenced to explaining where to find a little known treasure there on the grounds. He said he'd found it once while taking a shortcut across the lawn and he'd like to show it to me.

A born tour guide with incessant conversation, he introduced himself as Nicholas, better known as Detroit. He told me he'd lived many places, including France, and impressed me with his delivery of the native language while explaining his trek from his original home in Michigan. "Why Mississippi?", I asked him and thus I received an explanation of this state being the place to be if you were black. His take on it was that with the history of racism and the programs now available to young black men, there was no better place to be and yet the young MF's were turning their backs on opportunity (this being said as he imitated the youth by turning his hat backwards and giving a disdainful turn of his chin) and he just didn't understand it.

While walking to his secluded treasure, he asked me to guess his age. Being polite, I underestimated slightly by saying 52. He told me that he was 62 and proceeded to stand on his head with his feet straight in the air and thanked God for his blessings even before he stood upright again. Impressed yet again! I can't do that; never could, regardless of age. Finally, we reach his treasure and below you'll find photos of this object as well as of Nicholas. What I'd intended to be a few minute stop due to the dying light, turned out to be an hour tour thanks to him. He guided me to the Veteran's memorial and kept up a running dialogue as we made it around the capitol building.

I'm not sure where Nicholas came from out of the darkened city streets or where he was returning to. While I'd seen a couple of homeless individuals just before he arrived, I didn't insult him by asking if he was one as well. He did tell me he was a painter by trade and named off individuals' names I'd recognize. He also told me he was very talented and that if I'd like to see it, there was a large mural painted by him on one of the buildings there. Because it was dark, I decided I'd return another day to search for it. I enjoyed my visit with Nicholas immensely and was humored by his bravado and sly reference to the tour only costing me a pack of cigarettes. At the end, as we were parting, we shook hands and I did pay him for the tour with the cash I had in my pocket. Though it was more than the cost of a pack of cigarettes, I'm not sure what he'll actually do with it. That's his business. The hour of conversation and fun with him was priceless.

Once back in the car and headed down the street, when we arrived at the intersection, Nicholas was in the middle of the crosswalk standing on his head again. While I was laughing at him, he told me he thought I might want another photo and turned to saunter down the street. I hope he's well and warm tonight.

Just thinking

I saw a friend today, who obviously is a believer in a higher power, deny that belief somewhat due to his own personal lack of conviction...which is fine; his choices are his own. In fact, due to observors, he chose to not use the word "God" but instead skirted around it while trying to get a message across which he wished to share. Why did he do so? Perhaps due to that very lack of conviction, he allowed the pressure of current views on religion in America and worldwide to affect the words he chose to use while in a public setting. Concerned over how those he didn't know well would receive his tale and their reaction to it, he made the conscious choice to omit the word "God" while his tale required the use of it to emphasize the message he wished to convey.

I had to think about his actions and so many similar actions across my own nation and how people world-wide are having to defend their religions as if the religion itself is the cause of any existing conflicts when they aren't. It's the people using the religion who cause the conflict. There is no religion existing past or present which would have done so without it's members who chose to believe the doctrines set forth by others such as themselves. The old saying, "Birds of a feather flock together.", proves true in most situations. Those of a like mind in religious belief mingle together and create lines along which they identify themselves and present themselves to others. Much of what we believe is ingrained during childhood and while we may attempt to escape it, it influences our thoughts and emotions even as we study another religion and even practice it for we can't escape the knowledge gained or the experiences which shape us. Take two people from different backgrounds who are studying religion new to both, and while they will learn and understand the concepts of the new religion, whatever they bring forth with them will affect how each truly perceives it and relates to it. We individually choose what to retain and what to discard, shaping what it is we need from what we expose ourselves to. While I might say I believe in the 'Golden Rule'..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."...with each recitation of that line, I'm going to have my own feelings come into play which belong to no-one else even though they, too, might follow the rule.

As a child, being raised Baptist, I knew from the earliest days the influence of that religion in the form of my parent's handling and care of me and my moral development. There was not a time that religion was not a part of my development and because of this I formed the belief in a higher power, I learned that hope existed in an afterlife, and I learned that certain behavior was expected to conform to the dictates of that religion and the society into which I was born. Had I been born into another religion or without one at all, a large part of who I am would be dictated by that. It is easy to create a religion; all it requires is a leader, a concept, and foremost the necessary followers. We've seen new ones created within our lifetimes and yet we call them cults. What is a cult today if not a religion tomorrow ...if it flourishes? Did not Christianity and other religions begin with one individual whom many others ultimately chose to follow and believe in? Why did, and do, we choose to believe Jesus or another a deity, omnipotent, as did the ancient believers of Zeus and the heirarchy of gods? What is that need in us to believe there is something beyond what we can percieve as truth, concrete reality, in the present? Why did even the Natives look beyond the sustaining forces of nature to someone who had to have provided it? Why aren't we content with what we know to be real without looking beyond that for the answers?

Regardless of the reasons why we choose to believe, whether it is just the need for hope that there is more to our existence, the fact remains that for most of the world the individual inhabitants follow some religion and completely by choice. Why then would we choose to deny that part of ourselves? Because someone else says we should? Because a few are loud enough and persistent enough to attempt to take away our right to do so? It is an inherent right of all human beings to be free. We are born free as merely an element of this amazing universe and yet we've been set apart and above by our mental and physical abilities. It is the society and the time to which we're born which dictates what our life then becomes unless we hold on to that freedom and refuse to be bowed by the weight of adversity. Given the choice, we sometimes opt out of a society which hinders the person we wish to be.

America is not on the favorite country list at the moment despite all the individuals who have and still would enter its borders. Some countries, as I understand it, look at Americans as infidels, corrupt, etc. Western influence is seen as negative in a lot of places. Why is that? It's not due to our current state of affaris, though that hasn't helped by any means, because this view existed long before the war in Iraq. What was, and is, the lure of America for many...the elusive American dream, the economy, the proported freedoms, democracy, Hollywood? How is America or its citizens any different from the citizens of another country? All nations have their share of inequality and inequity; their share of fanatics and achievers, their share of good and bad. None are different, nor can one be defined by representation of few individuals when so many more exist. We, as always has been the case, are reliant on outside news regarding our neighbors because we're too busy living our daily existence or too frugal to traipse the globe for first-hand information. We are slave to the media more than any other source for our global awareness and yet too often that media is biased. So, we form images in our mind and beliefs based on second-hand knowledge and until further information is available, the impression gained is one we base our opinions on. Though a group of people may exist which in some way designates the individuals within it, the group does not define the individuals for they are just that...individuals. We were not given one heart and one brain to share. Each person on this Earth possesses his/her own and every thought and emotion is one of choice...individual choice. Though many may band together and seem similar, each possesses unique and individual ability for thought, reason, and emotion. Unfortunately, there are many who choose to be followers, choose to not think for themselves, choose to adopt thoughts and feelings of another as their own, choose to participate in mob mentality...but there are many more who do make conscious choices of their own and all people should have the freedom to do so. Why then relinquish your freedom as my friend did today? Why, to placate the majority or save face, did he choose to alter his tale and deny an aspect of himself?

Religion is just one difference among us and though my own is familiar to me, I don't discount that of another. Just because one fanatic may belong to a religion does not mean that everyone who practices that religion is a fanatic. Stereotyping individuals based on differences is dangerous not just for the individuals but for human society overall. Within America, we've seen the effects of the ultra-conservative and, while a country based on freedoms, American society has shown little freedom for certain individuals at times. As well, unto today, there are individuals persecuted by the religious majority because they choose to live lifestyles alternate to those standards. There have been and continue to be races which are mistreated by individuals who practice religion which supports "loving thy neighbor". It is the evidence of such harm to these individuals and the conformity which everyone must follow which has breached my own earlier conviction. That is not to say that I've changed my basic beliefs and hopes regarding religion but, instead of following blindly as a child, I opened my eyes to the duplicity which can be perpetrated on one who doesn't choose to see. I choose to believe, but I also choose how I believe. The message remains the same but the difference lies in how man delivers it to the people and how they then carry it forth.

Being American, I'm allowed individual freedom but am governed by the law of the land...as it should be, if equitable. I have a right to disagree with those who represent us in government as I have a right to change things however I can if I don't agree with the status quo. I'm very thankful for my freedoms and, after seeing my friend today deny one of his own, I had to stop and think. Daily I receive the chain emails which urge me to forward them "if I believe in God." I often recieve doom predicting text messages which offer dire consequences if I don't forward the "I believe in God" messages. (These really tick me off.) The choice to believe or not is a personal one. The choice to follow a religion is a personal one. The choice to be an aethist is a personal one. When it comes down to it, everything about our lives is a personal journey which no-one shares with us. We have no concrete answers regarding what 'might' lie beyond the end of this life; for everyone it's a matter of what we choose to believe. It would be a more correct action to live this life as it should be lived with respect, acceptance, and love for all rather than depend on what 'might' be as we go about our days filled with prejudice, disregard, and with lines drawn. However, in choosing to believe, it behooves us to stand by our beliefs even in the light of adversity or persecution, and in having the freedom to do just that, it behooves us to exercise that freedom and not squelch it for anyone or we do ourselves an injustice.

From Halloween

Here it is again, the time of year for all scarey movies to be run past you again and again as if watching them the first time wasn't enough. I mean, seriously, how many actually had a plot worth paying money to see? (Still waiting!) If we doled out funds, it was definitely to have the crap scared out of us by the combination of eerie music and sudden action or to be totally grossed out by the imitation blood and gore. How many times can the girl fall in a scarey movie? Every time.

Actually, I'm not a big fan of spending good money to see this kind of movie. I reserve it for late night television when it's free and commercials give me a break from the heebie-jeebies and an opportunity to relieve myself without being afraid of the dark. (because all the lights in the house have been turned on in advance)

I'm most likely going to dream about that blog photo above (it was a photo of Linda Blair in full demonic makeup) for it's involved in the one movie I've refused to watch since first seeing it years ago; The Exorcist. My brother still delights in sitting up straight and turning his head slowly toward me because he knows it automatically brings that above image to mind. Yes, it creeps me out. Retrieving it and posting it was more difficult than I thought it would be and I did this peripheral glance thing with one eye closed just to get it there. Needless to say, when I return to my own blog, I'm going to be presented with that lovely countenance and have to face another catalyst to ill dreams.

Just the other day, I received a message from a friend with a link in it which I was supposed to open. Something about the title of it caused me to hesitate, plus the fact that it said to turn my volume up. Having been victim already of a demonic face suddenly appearing out of a beautiful scene or puzzle you're supposed to concentrate intensely upon, I must have recognized something in this message for I did NOT turn up the volume and I did the peripheral glance thing that day too. Thank goodness I did for it WAS the demonic face appearing suddenly and if I'd not been to the restroom prior to this, I might have had reason to be embarrassed.
I well remember sitting with my siblings on the couch side by side beneath a blanket as we tuned into the latest late night thriller. I still love to watch the movies which scrared the crap out of me with well-placed musical drama, sound effects, and the sudden moves which made me jump ten feet and scream and yet didn't go overboard with blood and carnage. (If I want to see that, all I have to do is turn on the news on any given night.) Of course, getting ready for bed, running to jump on the bed just in case there are things beneath it, and then finding your brother has hidden himself just there to catch you when you least expect it isn't necessarily a pleasant thing after watching one of these. There's nothing like siblings and good sleep-over buddies with whom to watch these movies!

True Love

TRUE LOVE

(sent to me by a friend)

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.

He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his stitches and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer' s Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

Take time for a break

How often have you picked up something that seemed weightless enough to be inconsiderable and yet when you' ve held it a while it becomes like a lead weight? A small child can be easily picked up, but when the burden is all on you and is carried a while, it soon becomes dead weight slowing your movements, wearying your body, weighting you down. Surprisingly, when you take an occasional break, set the child aside, stretch your muscles and refresh yourself, you find it easier to progress than it would have been if you'd never stopped.

We carry many burdens throughout life; some we find it easy to discard; others remain with us. Whether it might be a hectic work pace, a family member in our care, or whatever our individual situations, they only become unbearable when we remain so focused on them that we forget ourselves. Laying aside the burden, if only for a little while, is necessary so that we can continue the path we've chosen for ourselves and remain healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Whether it's thoughts that plague you, responsibilities which hinder you, work you've brought home with you, school work with a deadline, or anything else which consumes your time and energy, set it aside for a little while when it seems to become too much. Create or seek a diversion for yourself which allows for full relaxation and being totally aware of yourself. Laugh a little, play a little, become familiar with who you are outside and away from all the other and, when you return to it, you'll be better prepared to face the next phase ahead of you.

While Atlas may have been condemned to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders for eternity, we don't have to. Take a break. Relax. Enjoy you. Continue forward renewed and invigorated and you'll find you've a better balance within all the elements which make you a healthy, happy person. This, in turn, will affect how you approach your unique situations and the people you come in contact with.

Autumn

Art imitates life.......art is an impression of the natural world......art can never surpass nature....art is reverence to life and the world in which we live. I do seriously think of art and that which can be created by another person; his ability to recreate or give an impression of the thoughts and ideas formed within his mind. While I've no such talent for doing so, I can admire and envy the beauty created by the human mind and hand. However, when I gaze upon this natural world, the human form, the heavens.....my admiration turns to awe.

We enter the season when nature sheds its glory in preparation for a temporary sleep and eventually a reawakening and, with each passage of the four seasons, our world is renewed and strengthened despite our best efforts to destroy it with our inhabitance and disregard of it. Regardless of my personal feelings on religion, it is when I view the magnificence and intricacies of this natural world that I accept that there is something much larger than myself and all of us. It is then that I lift my eyes and send my thanks to the God who must surely exist. As with all science, trace back as far as you will and when you get to that minute speck of matter from which all is believed to have originated no-one can explain where that first piece of matter came from.

With the intelligence afforded us, we can create, we can attempt to duplicate, but we can never succeed in doing what has already been done for us, given us, and regardless of how we attempt to explain it away, there is more to this universe than we will ever be able to fathom. It is in knowing this that we learn acceptance that we are limited in our abilities to become omnipotent but that there must surely be one who is. We may clone, we may graft, we may cross-breed, we may assist nature, but will we ever be able to create life? Take things down to their individual cells, can we create a cell? Can we create a nucleus full of information that will make each plant, person, animal unique? Thus far, regardless of the marvels of science, I've yet to see one scientist start from scratch, taking absolutely nothing and creating something from it. Even within nature, if something is regenerated, it does so from the remaining cells......like the tail of a lizard.

Okay, so I'm being weird today and my mind is going from one thought to another in rapid succession. I apologize for taking you along with me and shall let you off the ride to continue alone. To me, Autumn is the season of death much as Spring is a season of rebirth. There is necessity to the cycle that I understand and accept even as I admire the indescribable beauty and wonder within each season. Each leaf so green and vibrantly alive will succumb to the call of nature to wither and die to make room for another and yet, in doing so, will offer to us facets of itself kept secret until now. From beginning to end, there was a predestined path for it and never did it deviate from that path. Nature, while intricate, is simple. Everything that is necessary is contained within each cell. Why is it that the most multi-celled and advanced component of this natural world, man, insists on making things so difficult for himself? We'd do well to get back into touch with the rest of the natural world and become one with it. So much of human life is tied closely to natural cycles and events and yet we no longer recognize them for what they are. Do you howl at the full moon? : )

I hope you all have a safe entry into Winter and that you can stop to appreciate the beauty in each fallen leaf and every ice crystal. Love and hugs to all. It is truly a beautiful day.

Some pet peeves

1. I hate the glee with which so many people pass along information they themselves got secondhand with total disregard for the damage or havoc it creates in others' lives. Gossip is gossip, rumor is rumor.....let it stop with you.

2. I hate to hear anyone say, "It's not my job." Things can, and will, run smoothly if people contribute towards a common goal whether it's in their job description or not.

3. I hate whatever prompts others to refuse to learn the simplest of tasks, leaving them at your mercy, which interrupts your own job, and then complain to you when you can't get it done on their timetable.

4. I hate litter. That bag of fastfood leftovers can stay in your automobile for a 30 minute ride to be discarded properly just as well as it can sit on the side of the road. I also hate to see 10 people step over the same piece of trash without giving it a second's thought.

5. I detest deliberate rudeness whether it's entering my office while I'm in the middle of a phone conversation and standing there or shoving past me while I'm minding my own business and manners while shopping.

6. I hate the assumptions made that everyone white from the South (US) must be a bigot or racial segregationist and ignore the fact that prejudice exists everywhere within every race, religion, sex....etc., etc., etc. Study history and read the current newspapers, please. I don't give a rat's ass what my state's history might include; I live by a different code.

Odd things about me

1. If I think about the origin of meats or the processing of milk, I won't eat them.

2. I don't mind watching scarey movies alone as long as my back isn't to a door or window and afterwards I'll run and jump on the bed....just in case someone or something is beneath it.

3. I stuck a pearlized bead up my nostril as a child and had to have a doctor remove it.

4. I often doodle by writing backwards.

5. I used to take my lunch break in cemeteries so that no-one would interrupt my hour.

6. I refuse to park in a handicap-reserved space even if it means walking a mile otherwise.

Start Over...a perspective

It was a cold December night in West Orange, New Jersey. Thomas Edison's factory was humming with activity. Work was proceeding on a variety of fronts as the great inventor was trying to turn more of his dreams into practical realities. Edison's plant, made of concrete and steel, was deemed "fireproof". As you may have already guessed, it wasn't!

On that frigid night in 1914, the sky was lit up by a sensational blaze that had burst through the plant roof. Edison's 24-year-old son, Charles, made a frenzied search for his famous inventor-father. When he finally found him, he was watching the fire. His white hair was blowing in the wind. His face was illuminated by the leaping flames. "My heart ached for him," said Charles. "Here he was, 67 years old, and everything he had worked for was going up in flames. When he saw me, he shouted, 'Charles! Where's your mother?' When I told him I didn't know, he said, 'Find her! Bring her here! She'll never see anything like this as long as she lives.'"

Next morning, Mr. Edison looked at the ruins of his factory and said this of his loss: "There's value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God, we can start anew."

What a wonderful perspective on things that seem at first to be so disastrous. A business failure, divorce, personal dream gone sour . . . whether these things destroy an individual depends largely on the attitude he or she takes toward them. Sort out why it happened, and learn something from the blunders. Think of different approaches that can be taken.

Start over.

Spirituality/Religion

What are we without spirituality; that essence that transcends time and place which propels us to higher effort and awareness of who we are and our place in the scheme of things? Do we exist for a reason; is there further import to this moment and our actions within it? Can this be all there is? Humans have been perplexed for ages and have sought answers which are not forthcoming. Despite the advances of science, the answers still elude us and yet we feel the need to know what it’s all about and have created deities and religions to substantiate what we feel must be the answers. Is it because we need something to believe in because we can’t, or won’t, believe in ourselves? Why is it easier to believe in and follow one person whether it be Mohammed, Jesus, Siddhartha Gautama, or another than to believe in ourselves individually and as an entirety of humanity? We scoff at the ancients and their belief that there was a hierarchy of deities who created and manipulated each life as surely as we today compare the modern religions as opposed to our own chosen one. What makes any one of them better than the other with the exception of what they make us feel about ourselves and the lives we choose to lead?

We are by default born into religion, or a lack of, determined by those who sire us and to the society into which we belong. We are then formed in childhood by the beliefs of those who came before us and by what we are exposed to. Who we become as adults is based on this, in spite of this, or some combination which we ourselves are comfortable with. Being American and having different cultures within my ancestry, I could easily adopt several religions to follow though I was born into a Baptist family and raised along its doctrines. Because I was given the ability to think and reason, however, I made the conscious choice as to what to adopt as something worthwhile for myself and what to discard. I’ve often been made to feel guilty for my lack of conviction and acceptance of all that the religion entails for some would have me follow blindly and not question its superiority over others. I’m criticized for lack of involvement within the church and fellowship among my “religious peers” and yet I persist in thinking for myself and evaluating religion as a part of life and not as the intention of my life.

I’ve found many similarities within the differing religions which preclude my acceptance of one over another; rather, I choose to find that which is best in them all and assimilate them so that I can become who I want to be as a person and a member of this human common. The philosophy upon which each is based is nothing more than what we as humans can deem for ourselves were we of the desire to do so or should we had the luxury of time to devote to that and nothing more. For myself, that is the true advantage of organized religion....the compilation of ages of wisdom, human knowledge and understanding, and the observations of what has worked within humanity and what has not. It is the knowledge of what we as humans can achieve for ourselves; that which is the best of us and for us all as one, with each religion being refined through the ages by those successive to the originator due to the changing of the times but yet remaining true to what exactly is the human spirit. They are a guide to follow to reach that highest level of understanding, acceptance, and plane of existence we all desire. While organized religion serves its purpose, when it comes down to it, any relationship we have with whom we deem as our creator, master, omnipotent one, is a one on one relationship.

Religion was not created for nor should be used as a catalyst for intolerance, destruction, power over and manipulation of the masses, or as excuses for war or fanaticism. As Jonathan Swift wrote, “There is just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.” Behind each great religion is an ideology of what we as humans can be if we allow ourselves and what we can create here on Earth as our own version of Heaven, Utopia, Zion, Shangri-La; Nirvana or Paradise with no lines of demarcation separating us. The fact that these lines now exist is testament to man’s greed and desire to be an elitist. We define ourselves by nation, color, religion, gender and many other descriptive delineations and yet we fail to validate that which unites us all and which irrevocably defines us each and every one......human.

To me, spirituality and religion are two separate things; religion merely supports spirituality. Religion is man-made; spirituality is inseparable from us. Spirituality is that quality which resides in us all which enables us to sense something greater than ourselves and which give us purpose. It is what makes us one with the universe in which we inhabit and which gives us a responsibility to those we share this space with. Deny religion for it is not a necessary component of life. Deny spirituality and you limit yourself to less than full appreciation and understanding for yourself and all of humanity.

Grace

Grace

give me the grace

to care

without neglecting my needs,

the humility

to assist

without rescuing,

the kindness

to be clear

without being cold,

the mercy

to be angry

without rejecting,

the prudence

to disclose

without disrespecting my privacy,

the humor

to admit human failings

without experiencing shame,

the compassion

to give freely

without giving myself away.

~~source unknown

Just a thought

There is so much to each of us which makes us uniquely individual. We all have our own experiences which have shaped and molded the person we are within and as such will continue to shape us as we continue on life's path. No-one knows us in the same way we know ourselves. Much that guides us is subconscious and only comes to us in those rare moments of insight so in many ways we are a mystery
even to ourselves.

Our minds and our hearts control us creating a spirit unlike any other. The heart will feel all manner of emotion but it is what we allow to flow through our minds which will color these emotions and make them good or bad, positive or negative. We can harbor resentments, hatred, discord or we can choose logically to not allow them to become a part of us and instead only nurture those emotions that can only make us better. There is beauty and wonder to everything and everyone in the world. While there is much that is unfortunate or ugly, it is by man that it becomes so by his approach, perception, and handling of it. We make conscious choices throughout each day as to what we allow to affect us and we sometimes place the blame elsewhere for those things that burden us instead of looking to ourselves. While there may be many aspects of our environments we can't control, the one thing we can control is ourselves; how we choose to think and feel about things and whether we idle life away on the negative and what ifs and maybes or discard the excess baggage of regret and go towards something.
Life is

about change; nothing is static though the changes may be infinitesimal and with change we're able to create life as we want it to be, not as others would have it be for us. And, it's when you sit and think of all the things you love about life that you find they are immeasurable if taken one by one and then slowly you realize that despite the negative aspects of life the scale is imbalanced in favor of the beautiful, positive, good, and
worthwhile.