Regret

Thinking of a friend lost to me caused me to think of regret and how often we lead our lives in such a way as to store up much of that commodity. As I often do, I googled the actual definition for the word and that led me to many quotations regarding it as well as a link for Regret Theory, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regret_(decision_theory)#Regret_theory, which I found interesting. (Google rocks!)

Often used in Investment strategies, the Regret Theory is this...A theory that says people anticipate regret if they make a wrong choice, and take this anticipation into consideration when making decisions. Fear of regret can play a large role in dissuading or motivating someone to do something. Well, they're stating the obvious but what got me was the linear equation they came up with. So, is that what I've been doing in my head all this time but it never resembled an Einstein blackboard?

Anyway, we're all familiar with regret. No-one needs a definition for it. With each decision we make, despite how we may agonize and linger over them, we move toward something and away from something else. There's no way to know, until you've made that decision and lived with the consequences, whether you'll have reason to regret it or not.

"Live life without regret." ~ "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future." ~ "If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world."

The Road Not Taken (Robert Frost)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Is it possible to live life without regret? I don't see how it could be considering all the things we'll deal with in life. There's always room for regret whether it's an opportunity missed, a person we've neglected, a word left unsaid... I think more likely the key is to not store up more regrets than we do satisfying moments. Regret denotes failure or unhappiness. Since what we're all searching for is some measure of happiness in this life, it would be best to maintain a fine balance between regret and satisfaction...hopefully, always in favor of satisfaction.

Unfortunately, we're all aware that the past cannot be changed; we can only affect today and the future. We spend a lot of time thinking about regrets...those moments and decisions we wish we could change...but there's value in the reflection. Without regret, we'd not be aware of what we need to avoid in the future, which roads we may need to revisit or travel anew, and which direction to best apply our efforts. The danger comes in recognizing the reasons for regret and never acting upon the realizations gained, in dwelling too long with those regrets that we never move forward at all, or falling prey to fear of new decisions which halts our forward momentum.

I have regrets...many...and they will always remain with me. I don't try to shake them for I recognize their value. My problem is that I create new regrets each day for things left undone, words left unspoken, and opportunities left unexplored. We all have a tendency of doing this just living life day to day, making it into the next day unscathed. The day is long. It is filled with 1440 minutes. 1440 moments of opportunity to make things the way you want them. How many of these moments do we not utilize to the best of our ability to get us closer to the happiness we seek?

I was going to close on that line but it occurred to me that the best way to be proactive in achieving or coming closer to that ultimate happiness would possibly be to make a list of all the things necessary to that happiness. We could think of many things we want but to whittle it down to those things we know we'd forever regret should we neglect them or fail to achieve them would be more realistic. With that list in hand to be referenced each day, we might remember to utilize some of those wasted moments of the day. So, I think my next project will be in compiling a list. Not a "bucket list" necessarily, but a list of what I'm aware of which makes me happy and the things which make my life less than desirable. Not the things I'd like to do for there are many, but the things I must do or have to make life my life. With the list, I will be prompted to further refine ways to achieve these things. Ah well, it's worth the effort.

Thinking out loud

We're all private to some degree. Even with the most candid, outgoing individual, there is a private side which no-one else shall ever see. Do we ever put ALL of ourselves out there? Having been brought up in a conservative household where individuality and self-expression was not always encouraged, I've often found myself having biased opinions about much of the self-expression evidenced by today's free-for-all. Not appreciating it for what it is, I've often discouraged my own childrens' choices of expression or tried to hold them back knowing how society might be prejudiced against them and limit their choice of paths. I still hesitate to approve some things for what may bring them satisfaction in the moment may not have the same affect in their future. Some things you can't undo, some things you can't take back, some things are irretrievable and I prefer the option of unlimited choices. However, considering that our days are not promised, is it not more important to grab the happiness where you can than worry about tomorrow? I heard that country song, Live Like You Were Dying, the other day and it gave me pause as it does every time I hear it. Perhaps I should play it for myself every day instead of waiting to be reminded by the prompt of a DJ.

I don't allow myself the freedom of self-expression often enough and I'm finding how difficult it can be. When you're not born witty and interesting, it then becomes something you must practice and I don't think of it until I'm faced with a need or desire to be funny. I'm one of those who loves to laugh but will have to rely on someone else's wit. I accept that I've a serious nature and I'm comfortable in my own skin. It doesn't mean I can't have fun or won't seek it out, it just means that I won't be leading the pack in this type of endeavor. I have my moments of pranks and silliness and my wit, when forthcoming, is often dry, sometimes sarcastic, and often one of those out-of-nowhere whammies that are funnier than they deserve to be due to their minimal appearance.

But, back on track, I'm thinking about being private; about not sharing yourself with others. We're not open books that can be read by any passerby but rather complex personalities whom no-one will know unless we expose ourselves. How much do we want to expose? I'm certain that the person, the situation, and even the timing has a lot to do with it. It also has to do with how much we need to be known or how much we feel the need to hide. Some have a separate agenda which leads to a comfortable duality...much like hiding behind an online persona.

So why share online? Why give information about yourself to virtual strangers? For myself, my blog gives me a place to throw out ideas, to get something out of my own head. Writing assists me in sorting my own thoughts. What I write about doesn't need to be seen by others to satisfy my own need. Everyone has a need or motivation and it all begins and returns to us. For those who do know me, or desire to know me, there is enough within the words to get an idea of what goes on in my head and, therefore, who I am beyond what they already know. It is obvious by this blog that there is no major agenda, it's just my space. There again, this is just a place to throw an occasional idea, it isn't a journal to chronicle my entire life.

Online is the best way to interact with people without giving any more of yourself away than you want to. Everything is on your timetable without forced interactions or situations you can't control. You can sit behind an online persona, become anyone you want to be or be yourself which you don't allow yourself to be with the people intimate with your life. We're all conformists to some degree with some aspect of our lives. I began the online thing totally hidden behind an ID. I acted no differently than normal but I didn't feel comfortable revealing my real identity. (There's so much craziness in the world.) I didn't have a hidden agenda, wasn't into games, but I did have a desire to interact. My only agenda was to broaden my own horizons and grow as an individual. Only with time, did I allow certain individuals to know exactly who I was. I created valued relationships. Today, there are many who know who I am in real life and many of those are the same ones who first became my contacts online several years ago. I still don't have a separate agenda. I still don't have the liking or patience for games and BS. I do still enjoy the interaction and value the people connected to me. The only thing that has changed in all these years is my attitude toward privacy and my ability to discard or absord what comes my way. Well, another thing that has changed is the time that I actually spend online. That's decreased dramatically.

Of course, the question arises as to why I'd want to share myself with those who aren't directly connected to my everyday life. Why not? There are connections and then there are connections. Depends on how you look at it. I have connections online now that are equally as important as many of my offline ones. So what if these individuals live in another country or that I may never actually meet them in person? The connections are just as valid and wouldn't exist had I not put myself out there. What they've brought to my life is more than worthwhile and my original agenda has been satisfied.

Why do we hold back and, for some, to such a great degree? For most, there is a desire to fit in, be acceptable, etc., and the fear of rejection,personally or professionally, stunts our expression. For some, it's about avoiding the negatives that have been experienced before. So, it is about fear. With every facet we expose to the world, yes, we're taking the chance that we might be rejected but we're also taking the chance of acceptance. When unexposed, the person we are does not exist for anyone else. All anyone will have is a general impression of who they think we are or who we want them to believe we are. Would it not be better to be real and deal with the positive and negative feedback? Every interaction is worthwhile but the depth of the interaction is most important for what it brings to your life and what it allows you to contribute to life. Consider this, if we're real and exposed, those who genuinely like us for who we are would gravitate toward us and those who find us undesirable would go elsewhere. Perhaps even some of those individuals would like something enough to stick around even if they don't like the whole. It seems to me that the more real we are, the more life is going to be lived in a way that compliments us. You weed your garden. What better way to weed your life?

The best things in life....

Anarchy

Anarchy...there are few real anarchists in the world. For most, it's like wearing a favorite suit which can be changed at will. Association is enough to engender a wanted image but the person inside is still a conformist like most of society.

A 4-hour walk does a body good

Just an observation

You know, if you take away all the crap, life is pretty good. It's good to be alive. ;)

5 Musketeers

I do believe I've said these things, or something similar, before but, since I got off track in another blog entry and put these words together, I'll insert them as a separate entry here.

I somehow missed the "interesting person" gene that my siblings all seemed to have. Where the heck did my reserved nature come from which keeps me from feeling free to be whatever in the moment despite whatever acceptance or reproof I might receive?

I have the best siblings in the world. They're all fun people. My oldest sister, the mother hen of the bunch, is a woman of strength and beauty who has endured more than any woman should have to and yet she is the one who keeps everyone connected and she does it with ease. She's also mastered the art of fun. She can be a pain when it comes to knowing whether or not your fast food may have been spit on after she's been rude to someone not overly adept at their job, but she's also a person who gives of herself and her time to strangers who end up becoming new names on her long list of friends. She's steadfast and loyal and she'll kick your ass if you mess with someone she loves...literally. She doesn't see herself as she truly is and limits herself in the process and this is the only thing I'd change about her if I could, and not because I'd like to change her but because it would bring her greater happiness. She's the ringleader of the bunch and where she leads the rest inevitably follow if all together and looking for fun. The children run from her when they're small due to her teasing but love her when puberty hits and they get "it". She's outrageous but also very aware of what is supposed to be. She just sets her own rules when it suits her. Just sitting here writing this brings back so many moments which make me smile.

My middle sister, is incomparable. I still see her as a teen, a beautiful blonde with an enviable compact, tanned, athletic body and gorgeous dimples when she smiled. I often wanted to be her while growing up and this led me to doing some things I'd probably not have done otherwise...like jumping off bridges. I had total confidence in her, I realize now, for I'd probably have followed her anywhere. She's the rebellious female whom life tempered, she's obstinate as a mule but able to bend as well, she can be unyielding on the outside but has the softest core of any of us, and she's the nurturer and most often the strength of the bunch. Like my other sister, she gives of herself always and is usually one of the first volunteers to any endeavor whether for friend or otherwise. (I do believe they got this trait from my mother.) Life has been tough but she proves she's more than capable to handle what comes her way. It's better not to make her angry if you want ANYONE to be happy. On the other hand, she's sneaky as hell with her fun. She'll quietly do something and wait for the fallout and her laugh is fantastic. Subtle she may be but she's just as fun as the others.

My brother is the baby of the family and that sometimes reveals itself in expected ways. He too was a reserved child compared to our siblings but he managed to inherit that interesting gene too which offsets his reserve. He can be soooo goofy and will do most anything if it comes to mind, so beware. He's crosses between subtle and overt humor and so it's most often unexpected whatever it is. While he enjoys a good time, he has a serious nature in complete balance. My brother is also a man of character whether as a result of our conservative and traditional household or by personal choice and I envy my sister-in-law. He doesn't like things to be complicated and prefers a peaceful and happy existence where basic routines support spontaneity and fun. Unlike my sisters who have beautiful green eyes, his are a warm brown and the comfort you find within further throws you off balance when he's up to mischief. Two images always come to mind when I think of him and that's his attempt to creep me out by mimicking the Linda Blair head-turning scene and him putting his index finger at his nostril wherever he might be...this because he lost part of that digit in high school shop class and it looks as if he's got half his finger up his nose.

My older brother sadly left us when he was twenty but he was no different from my other siblings in that he knew how to have fun and didn't take himself too seriously. He, more than any of the rest of us, inherited the Cherokee coloring. Lean, sinewy, and brown...that's how I see him. We spent so much time in the sun that he'd seldom lose all of his color before the summer came around again, unlike those of us who tanned but generally retained the Irish/Scottish tendency to lose our color quickly. His brown eyes, darker than my other brother's, mirrored well his thoughts. I can still remember the way he moved, I can see him smile, and I can see his anger that was quick and then gone. He paired with my middle sister in temperament and loyalty while my younger brother and I tended to do the same. Those two would fight like cats and dogs regardless of the fact that my father said you weren't supposed to hit a girl. So what if she packs quite a wallop herself? Watching them go at it was like watching a train wreck...fascinating but scary...and watching them get into trouble later (if they got caught) was kind of funny. He, like her, was a rebel and I often wonder what their relationship would have been like through the years.

In many ways, I see my brother when I look at my son. My son is now the age my brother was when he left us but it isn't along those lines I think. My son has a similar build, the same self-confidence, and the same rebellious and seeking nature with the softness often shrouded. While riding a Harley behind my son one day and sharing a mother/son moment, I got a glimpse of him as a man and everything about him in that moment made me see my brother. They share the same name as well.

All of us, but for my oldest sister, were a year apart in ages with her being a few years older than us all. We were like stair steps and we were most often our own company. We had a lot of fun together as kids used to do running wild outside. We depended on one another, loved one another, got angry together and made up together, banded together against the world and often against our father by taking a spanking as one instead of telling on one another, went our separate ways but remained close, and work together to this day to put the group ahead of the individuals within. This is the world I knew and cannot fathom life without them in it. For those children who have no siblings or who don't share a similar sibling experience, I can only hope they're able to find someone in this world who can duplicate the experience for them.

So, what happened to me? I often wonder that. I'm thankful every day that both my children managed to inherit the elusive gene. I may not be witty but I do love to laugh and these people can make me laugh even when I don't feel like doing so.

Answer for me this....

It is often said that there's a reason for everything that happens. It's a popular saying but just who originated the justification and did they do so as a means to explain the unexplainable, however generalized and incomprehensible the excuse might be, or simply as a way to buffer their inability to offer a rational explanation or reasonable comfort?

So, is it supposed to stand to reason that for someone who loses a child, someone who loses his money to a scam artist, someone who gets cheated on, there is a reason behind their misfortunes? For someone who meets the ideal partner, someone who wins the lottery, someone who lands the perfect job, there is also a reason for this? How does it weigh out and who determines the reasoning behind it all?

If something bad or good happens to me, am I supposed to question my actions in the past or am I to accept that there's someone controlling my destiny and pulling the strings as if I'm a marionette and I'm just following a predestined path?

I suppose it depends on what you choose to believe and where you place your faith. We comfort ourselves and rationalize our lives because there is no good reason for some things which happen. You ask yourself, "What did I do to deserve this?" Do you have to have done anything at all? Perhaps it's just the way all of life's circumstances have come together in that final moment. It doesn't mean necessarily that you've done anything to bring misfortune upon yourself or that you've done anything to deserve the sudden fortunate turn of events...it just is what it is. Why blame yourself? Why look for the why? Must all of life be explainable?

Is there a God in His Heaven who has predetermined our destination while leaving us a choice of pathways by which to get there? We do have choice, right? He's not structured our lives in such a way as to actually pull the strings like a puppeteer. He's given us leeway to fall, learn, begin again, do it right, make mistakes, and go down the wrong paths. While reading about the Bible Code, it was suggested that within the books of the Torah, the original text, are the paths for each of us hidden behind the actual words we read and that our choice of paths dictates our lives. The suggestion makes it sound as if God has the end result already and it's just the beginning and the end which he controls. The main problem I have with this is that the Torah, as I understand it, is a compilation of books chosen to be included while excluding the less favorable. If a book is incomplete, how can any path be followed or deciphered? While Christians wait for death to have all the secrets to the universe revealed, scientists seek to disprove the existence of an afterlife and atheists walk alone.

Few of us can read the Torah and few will ever see the original, ancient text so we must take the word of someone else. (Actually, today, with the release of Bible Codes 2000, any English speaking person can search the Hebrew Scriptures for hidden codes without knowing Hebrew. The user can type the search code in English, the program automatically translates it to Hebrew, searches and retrieves the text into a matrix, analyzes it and automatically translates all the found words to English! ...http://www.biblecodesplus.com/theory.html)

Is it Karma? Do we go through life structuring our existence so that our Karma might bring fortune to us? Do we suffer ill due to past or present actions as suggested by the laws of Buddhism and Hinduism? ( As we sow, we reap somewhere and sometime, in his life or in a future birth. What we reap today is what we have sown either in the present or in the past.) However, according to the Buddhist doctrine of Karma, one is not always compelled by an ‘iron necessity’, for Karma is neither fate, nor predestination imposed upon us by some mysterious unknown power to which we must helplessly submit ourselves. It is one’s own doing reacting on oneself, and so one has the possibility to divert the course of one’s Karma to some extent. How far one diverts it depends on oneself. (http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/karma.htm) If, as suggested at times that there is reincarnation, that I'll continue to live in various forms until I've reached some higher plane of existence, then what do the actions in this life matter beyond how they shall affect my next life? Will I know myself in the next life or care what I did in this one?

Is it superstition? Do we place our faith in inconsequential events which we associate with fortune or misfortune? Most people I know are not truly superstitious,they're simply hedging their bets. They follow the superstitions' guidelines "just in case."

Is it immaterial due to the fact that we exist in more than one place parallel to the existence we know as suggested by quantum physics? We create our own reality and there is nothing more than this? Are we energy that is never depleted which remains within the universe? Is it possible that I exist within many worlds which coexist with this one; that I'm sleeping somewhere while I type here; that in another of these parallel worlds those who died long ago still exist? Quantum physics is mind-boggling to most people and yet it's a fascinating subject and one which has brought about many advantages to our generation and those before it. (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/manyworlds/byrne.html, http://library.thinkquest.org/3487/qp.html)

So, what is the answer?