Relationships are what we make of them. In sitting here thinking about them, I decided to write down some of the thoughts going through my head for there are many right now. However, we all have our own gained insights and mine may differ from your own. What sage advice could you impart to others which might enable a better relationship?
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If you want a relationship to work...
Be there. You have to be there for the small moments and not just the major ones. You have to be there when someone wants a shoulder to lean on, when someone wants to veg on the couch with a warm body beside them, you have to be there at the end of their day to help ease away the pressures and woes the world has thrown their way. You have to be there. Whether you absent yourself due to distance, work overload, or personal pursuits, it's time taken away that can never be regained. You cannot take a day for granted. Now, that doesn't mean that you have to be together 24/7 for everyone needs his own space and time to himself. But, as you're going about your normal routines, remember that consideration and adjustments must be made to accomodate the relationship and the needs of both.
You have to let the person know what you want. Mind reading is not an option for most people. If you both know what you want, you each know what you must do to make it work and you'll also know if it's impossible to do or be what the other person needs. Communication is key in any relationship and, though writing and texting are forms of communication, they lack the sincerity and much gets lost in translation or,in the case of texting, possibly lost in virtual space. Texts and emails can be delayed and lost forever leaving gaps that lead to misunderstandings. If you're sitting in front of one another or at least talking by phone, there are inflections that give clues to the emotions behind the words. Writing does give you that initial pause allowing you to gather your thoughts but it also lends too much impersonal to what should be a very personal communication. Besides, honest and immediate replies without forethought are truer. If you're in the practice of not throwing out harmful words you can't retrieve and your feelings are sincere, is thought necessary when expressing your innermost feelings, desires, or fears? And, if you're not willing to share all that with the person you're in a relationship with, something's not right to begin with. Who else is more closely intimate with you or supposed to have your best interests at heart?
A person who is naturally reticent about revealing his feelings, should step out of himself and put himself out there. The rewards can be as great, if not greater, than the disappointments. If the relationship and the partner are what they're supposed to be, the level of trust in one another should facilitate the sharing of feelings. If you can't open up to the person in your life and he eventually stops trying to get you to, is that what you really want? One shouldn't have to be beaten over the head to make him talk. And don't expect to get what you need from life and the relationship if you don't make it clear what your expectations are.
Communication shouldn't involve you saying things which you feel the other person may be feeling in an attempt to draw him out or confirm these suspicions you have. Ask direct questions. Don't be afraid to put the other person or relationship on the line. Be prepared to hear answers which aren't what you'd wish them to be. Be prepared to answer the same question you've thrown out there. But, with it all, know that the desired end result is a happy, mutual relationship and though you may not get the answers your heart desires, at least you'll have answers with which to direct, or redirect, your efforts. There is nothing wrong with high expectations but the human heart sometimes draws upon dreams and hopes and not what truly is.
Remind the other person that you love him whether it's a fairly new relationship or one that has stood the test of time. Show him with word and action. Don't hesitate to put yourself out there. Whether it's notes left where he can find them, a special dinner just because, or whatever, take the time to make sure he's always aware that he's important. Don't assume someone knows where they stand in your emotions.
Organize your own life. Be content with who you are and know your own direction before seeking to join with anyone else. Only then will you possibly find someone truly going in the same direction who will compliment you and in whom you will find an ally. Each should know what they truly want from life, what is considered important and what can be let go. A relationship is about two individuals who have created a united front against the rest of the world. It's a microcosm of sorts. Whether it's money, sex, or other major issues couples face, if they've decided ahead of time what their combined direction should be and they're committed to the goals they've placed before themselves as a unit, they're more likely to succeed because they'll find ways to circumvent issues which may arise because it's important enough to them to do so.
There should be friendship before sex, before commitment to one another. As friends, you'll have accepted the person for more than just a bed partner, the bread-winner, the other half of you. Sex as part of a relationship takes that relationship to a level which we're often not ready for because it often eliminates that "getting to know one another" process and that true sense of responsibility to one another and the relationship itself. Throughout it all, from beginning to whatever end there may be, whether living together in old age or breaking up, you'll have a better understanding and appreciation for the other person and his well-being.
There must be respect for one another...your differences, your similarites, your likes and dislikes, your dreams, your friends, your very individuality and separateness. Remind yourself that you're not Siamese twins. Joining in a relationship does not make you automatically become the same person. Retain your individuality even as you create the perfect union.
Be responsible for yourself, your words, your actions, and your decisions but reserve important decisions which will have even a minimal effect on the relationship to be made together। A small wedge can become a giant rift if its growth is unrecognized and stopped.
Remember that once truly committed, there is an equal partnership to the successes and failures. You're in the relationship together and everything you each do can, and most often does, affect the other. If there are problems, you created them together and one person in a "couple" can't fix the problem alone. Accept that you have a responsibility to the success of the relationship to work toward a fix even if you don't think you caused the problem. You can't eliminate yourself from the mix. You're either in it or you're not. If you're not 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship, then you're not in it to the extent necessary for it to be the best it can be.
Trust is a key element in a relationship which caters to the finest of emotions and trust involves honesty. It's easy to allow small misunderstandings to develop. In the end, it's much kinder to be honest than to allow the creation of doubt, fear, or other emotional traps. Trust, once lost, can be irretrievable so it's most important to be diligent about this at all times. There again, if you're respecting the other person and his feelings as well as the success of the union, chances are you're doing that already.
Deal with your own insecurities instead of weighting down the relationship with them. You've trusted your heart to another individual and, unless given reason to feel otherwise, you should be able to extend that trust to all areas of the relationship. If you worry every time he leaves your sight, if you feel the need to constantly check up on him, if you make him feel as if he can't be trusted and he's given you no reason to doubt his sincerity, you may want to examine your own reasons for feeling this way. We often take our fears out on those closest to us and make them suffer for someone else's transgressions. Just because one person may have caused you to lose faith in the past does not mean the one you're with now will do the same. Leave the blame and attitude with the past relationship.
As well, if you lack personal confidence which causes you to succumb to jealousy, you might remind yourself that you're the one he's with, the ones he's chosen. There will always be someone different, smarter, prettier, etc., but he's with you. Again, unless he gives you a reason to lose your feeling of security about your place in his life, ureasonable insecurities can create havoc in an otherwise successful relationship.
Be true to yourself, who you are. There will be differences between the two for you're not the same person. If there are differences which make you incompatible, they'll surface eventually and you don't have to go looking for them. If there are differences which affect the relationship, they should be discussed. Maybe there's a minor change or compromise that will work for the both of you. Habits and behaviors can be changed to better the relationship but you can't expect a person to alter who he is inside, his morals and deep beliefs, what he feels strongly about and what he can carelessly cast aside...nor should you feel that you have to change. A relationship should not make you unrecognizable to yourself.
Remember that you cannot expect change overnight. Despite someone's best efforts, it's easier to fall back into old patterns than remember to alter what comes naturally. Only with repetition and that earnest effort, will a change take place. It takes realization that it's affecting a valued relationship and a desire to make the relationship better which will prompt someone to change. Nagging and fault-finding won't do anything but discourage any effort amd drive a wedge between you.
Remember that there are two people and only two people in a relationship. This makes secondary your friends, your colleagues, your pastor, and your family. While these people may be important, they should not enter into the boundaries of the relationship or be able to affect its foundation. Criticisms and opinions of others can affect how you view things if you let them.
A successful relationship involves constant attention. The places where you relax, work, or play will cause you to cross paths with others who might divert your attention, especially if there are problem areas within your relationship or if you lack the conviction you believe you have. Flirtation is natural to some for the good feeling it brings. However, flirtation is limited strictly to a moment in time. It doesn't involve extended connection, long conversations, follow-up, or anything which might cause you to compare and find lacking the one you're with. If truly committed, a necessary requirement is that you're on guard against that possibility at all times.
Remember to open yourself to the possibilities and benefits of the relationship. Through association with this other person, you have the opportunity to grow, to learn, to experience. Every day, life brings change; something new. To find someone who encourages that change and facilitates a new or better you with each day is a gift. Remember to give in return.
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