Year's End

I can't believe it's December and the end of another calendar year. You'd think that life would slow down along with you, but it somehow continues to accelerate while you're left standing in place. Days blend into one another and they're taken for granted and then, toward the end of the year, we look up from our daze of routine and predictability and realize that time has once again escaped us. We begin to take stock of what we've accomplished, of how much life we've actually lived, and sometimes we're content with our assessment, though hardly always.

Our good intentions from the previous New Year's resolutions may or may not have become reality. The changes we hoped for might have been put off for another 365 days because we always think there's a tomorrow. It takes real effort to make change happen and more so to follow it through and most of us find ourselves content to remain in our comfort zone of familiarity. Perhaps it's because we're happy with the way our lives really are and the changes we promise ourselves are due to what we think others, even society, expect of us. Perhaps we're working off images of our lives or ourselves which we refused to discard but which really belong to another person we knew long ago. Perhaps we're derailed by the people we accept into our lives and then feel a responsibility for. I really don't know why. Perhaps we're just lazy.

I, for one, had certain plans for this year which have not come to fruition. It's no-ones fault but my own, of course. Plans have a way of changing whether you want them to or not. It doesn't mean that I've given up on the plans I made; it simply means that some have been delayed, some have altered in vision, and some have been discarded intentionally as personal need and desire was fully realized. Life is a balance of want and need, anticipation and disappointment, success and capitulation, stark reality and ideology. The way I figure it, any amount of change is consequential. Even if you consider the changes insignificant, they have a way of affecting life overall, sometimes immediately and oftentimes in the unknown future.

The most difficult lesson I've had to learn (I should say accept, for I always knew it) is that I really can't control the people in my life. By control, I don't mean that I want to direct their lives; it simply means that I can't protect them from how my own decisions might upset the balance of their lives. While taking care of my father for most of my life, so many decisions I made were based on how they would affect him. When I added children to the mix, my sense of responsibility multiplied. Many things I wanted or desired were ignored because I couldn't guarantee the effect it might have overall. I wanted guarantees and, though I knew nothing in life was guaranteed, I chose to act or not to act based on their availability. Alone, I would risk anything. Alone, however, is not something you are if you have even one person closely connected to your life. I have had, and do have, more than one. I have several, in fact, and though I even now realize that I should be making life decisions based on myself, my wants and needs, I find that old habits don't die hard at all; they simply linger on another plane of existence waiting for their chance to re-enter my reality. The small change is that I recognize this fear of hurting, disappointing, or alienating those connected to me and manage to ignore it at times. I made several decisions this year for myself and have found that life didn't crash around me. Those who genuinely care about me accomodated the decisions even if they were less than happy with them. They've learned that there's more to me than daughter, mother, friend, and businesswoman and they're adjusting. Of course, I now wonder why I allowed fear for them to rule my life for so long and there are a lot of "what-if's", but I prefer to continue looking forward instead of backward.

Another thing I've found is that impediments can be positive elements despite how you feel about them in the moment. Sometimes you find that what you think you desire with all your heart is inconsequential when time allows you to reflect upon it. Without impediments, we'd often leap without looking and sometimes looking at something for a while will reveal to you whether it's a prize worth pursuing or just something second-rate, something that's right for you or not. Patience is not only a virtue, it's often a life-effectuation.

Lastly, I've learned that, though it's better to have a plan, plans are nothing more than intent. Whether it is a year-end resolution, scheduled vacation, job-change, engagements; all of these are subject to change and are not set in concrete. Failing to see them through does not necessarily mean we lack a sense of direction, that we're self-delusional, or even powerless. It simply means that we allowed life to get in the way and apparently the importance of those things we resolved, or planned, wasn't any greater than the day-to-day things we already deal with. Life introduces variables into our daily existence, some imperceptible and some very tangible. Plans can and will fall through and it's okay. You have to re-evaluate and continue forward on the best path for yourself. Though tomorrow isn't guaranteed, we go on faith that the sun shall rise. Planning ahead facilitates but does not dictate life.