The I in Life

Who am I, really? What does it matter who I am? What is there to finding one's self? Do you ever really find who you are? Do you really want to be defined, compartmentalized, and encapsulated?

I'd earlier written about who I am, stating obvious facets of the person I've become, even as I was consciously aware that there's no way any of us can define ourselves simply for the comprehension of others. We must be experienced even as we experience others and life itself. Much of who we are is still unrevealed to us so we cannot grant full knowledge to another even if we so desired.

Just as with a delicious wine or cuisine, our senses are awakened by the differing nuances which seem familiar but can't always be placed. Manipulated by the winemaker or chef, an original and simple idea becomes a recipe for success. By introducing one or more variations to the original recipe over time, masterpieces of creativity are developed. Life is our chef, our winemaker, and each moment introduces variations which shape us into individual masterpieces. What starts out as simple and familiar evolves into something complex and elusive. We perceive in others that which is familiar but to know the rest takes time and experience.

I want to have a center; a balance between myself and the universe. I want to have a basis as a human being with familiar traits, emotions, experiences but, beyond that center, I want to be forever renewed. I want each day that I share breath with the other inhabitants of this life to be unique in some way, to offer possibilities, to bring comprehension and awareness of who I could be, what roles I might play, and how miniscule and unimportant I truly am outside of my own reality.

As I walk out into each new day, I don't want to miss the amazing transfiguration of life which lends originality to even the most mundane and familiar. Should I pass the same delicate flower, gaze upon similar pristine, irregular clouds, or stumble over the same crack in the weathered sidewalk, I want to be thoroughly sentient that this is an irrefutably singular moment unlike any which came before or shall ever be again, and I want to be able to appreciate it for what it is, what it can be, and what I can do with it.

As much as I want to be relevant to this life, I want to be relevant to my life. I don't want to get to the end of it wondering who lived it. As chaotic, disorganized, and confusing as it may seem to myself, others in my life, or much less the casual observer at times, there is a destination and only I can steer myself there. I want to appreciate the individuality of others without wishing to emulate them. I don't want to live up to anyone's expectations but my own. I want to be who I am supposed to be and only time within this life will reveal who that is.

Sometimes I don't know whether to be happy or afraid that I'm content to just exist; that the simplest of life's moments bring me the greatest pleasure. There are things in this life that aren't part of the natural order, but rather those of man, which will cause me to exert myself on my own behalf and yet there is much I'd rather leave to others to pursue. I would rather belong to myself than desire a place which requires me to be other than who I want to be. Sometimes the desires war with one another within my psyche and the resultant emotions take up the battle within my heart. Today’s desire may be tomorrow’s achievement or justification. I don’t always know which way to go but I know wherever I end up will be an okay place too for I’ll be there. I know that I have to be okay with me for I’m the only one leading this life. Should I not manage to accomplish all that my heart does desire, there will have been a reason for it…most likely of my own…and I must exalt in whatever victories did come my way and hopefully not forever bemoan those which didn’t.

What I must guard against are those patterns of behavior and thinking which are detrimental to my definition of success. I make mistakes and errors in judgment all the time, but I learn as I go. I am my own worst critic and, as inescapable as that is, I don’t allow my own criticism to break me but instead to guide me into the next of life’s moments. I can’t guarantee I won’t make the same mistakes twice; I can only try my best not to.

I’m a marvel of creationism and evolution for it seems most likely they’re both involved. I’ve been given everything I need to make it in this life and to make it what I want it to be. What I want it to be is exactly what it is…an inalterable hub upon which an ever-changing opportunity of possibilities revolves. Thankfully, that’s exactly what life offers with each passing moment.